If you've been paying attention, you've already read my award-winning essay on Radiohead's Kid A, submitted to David Barker's 33 1/3 "Under 21" essay contest back in June, and just recently posted here on the good ol' BBW. Please, take a seat, enjoy a fine glass of whatever swill you've got nearby, and listen closely to the dulcet sounds of John Mayer actually doing something good for once. His cover of Radiohead's "Kid A" is, embarassingly enough, what persuaded me to not hate Kid A's easily hate-able electronic ass. Which you would know if you had read the feature I assume you already read.

John Mayer - Kid A
Radiohead - Kid A

[o] Congressional band rocks the House

When they're not too busy thinking about the public welfare and enforcing our checks and balances (ha!), a bipartisan group of Congressmen like to fucking rock! America, say hello to the Second Amendments, a bipartisan rock band organized by the guitar-playing Minnesota Democrat, Rep. Collin Peterson, who also sings. The band includes fellow Reps. Kenny Hulshof (R-Mo.) on drums, Thad McCotter (R-Mich.) on lead guitar, Jon Porter (R-Nev.) on keyboard and Dave Weldon (R-Fla.) on bass.

They're called the Second Amendments because its actually the second version of an older House band called the Amendments. But if anybody asks, they're the Second Amendments because that's the one about guns, and guns fucking ROCK! Weeeooo! Their logo is a skull clutching a rose in it's mouth with two guns crossed underneath. Now comes the hard part: finding groupies to bang.

Florida Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R) already holds the self-proclaimed title of head groupie. The Congressional rockers regularly take turns banging her out in the back of their tour bus after sets. Meanwhile fellow Floridian Katherine Harris (R) has deemed herself the "biggest fan." Unfortunately, both are ugly. "Our second biggest fan is the cleaning guys who have to listen to us," Hulshof joked. Oh snap! Straight up diss to the mannish Katherine Harris who is such a slut that she fucked the entire country for five years straight with her ridiculous actions during the 2000 election. Cough*prostitute*cough. Excuse me.


Slut.

Now comes word that the Second Amendments are packing up their road show to entertain the troops in the Middle East this holiday season. They may be politicians but they know how to rock! Fox News will be joining the band and covering its performances, meaning that each show will be reviewed in a fair and balanced way. The five-city tour is actually part of an official Congressional fact-finding trip to Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait, Pakistan, and Ramstein Air Base in Germany. Much like superheroes, high-class prostitutes, or Josie and the Pussycats, the group will conduct its 'official' business by day before ripping off their stuffy suits and having some real fun. Some Hollywood producer is just waiting to turn this into a terrible movie: Congressmen by day, Rock stars by night, and defenders of Earth against the alien hordes of Zebulon. And yes, the band will probably have to dress in those awesome cat outfits.


Congressmen by day, lame bar band by night!

As far as the Second Amendment's set is concerned, they perform an oldies-heavy set of rock and country tunes to show their support of various issues and policies. "Taking Care of Business" expresses their feeling about the Central American Free Trade Agreement, "Hotel California" shows their endorsement of westward expansion and Indian displacement, "Brown Sugar" shows their support of civil rights and interracial relationships, a Mickey Gilley song called "Don't the Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time" expresses their heartfelt endorsement of the glass ceiling and opposition to sexual harrassment legislation, some Beatles tunes offers their support for our ally Britain in the Iraq War, and a smattering of Toby Keith shows their support for the ignorant rednecks all over America. All that and they're better than Creed. Air guitar! Wedaweooweee!

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/23/2005 05:50:00 AM

[o] Happy War on Christmas

Updates from here till the second week of January will be mighty sporadic as we all celebrate the Fox News-sponsored 'War on Christmas.' News and reviews may show up occasionally, but don't count on it. We'll return full steam in January with our "Best of 2005" feature and the next segment of our "Soundtrack of the Apocalypse" feaure.

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/22/2005 04:28:00 AM

[o] We are busy people

As the world crumbles we do our best to glue the pieces back together in a mosaic of compassion and heartbreak and dick jokes but we are busy people and must tend to our own lives. As I write, Ryan watches a movie, Amira goes shopping (while listening to NPR, she assures me), Paul prepares for his voyage to New York, I consider going to the mall only to find myself extremely disappointed in myself and my decision, and everyone else affiliated with this site is home for the holidays or something. I don't really care about them anyway.

But I do care about the transit strike in New York City. "Everyone's your friend in New York City," sing They Might Be Giants, but not today. Millions are having to find alternative means to get to work because the transit workers are fed up with cutbacks in benefits and general mistreatment despite the transit system's billion dollar surplus. Mayor Bloomberg is calling the union "cowardly" in its attempt to create some leverage in its bargaining position. And it's true, cowards regularly continue on in their cowardly ways when faced with millions of dollars in fines and the ire of the general public, a public who could also probably do with higher wages and better benefits but are not working as one to secure such benefits. It's also true that cowards challenge unjust laws; Rosa Parks was one such coward. Martin Luther King, Jr. was another. The general sentiment in New York is that the strikers are demanding too much and "uhh, this is like SO annoying! Boo hoo where's my blankie?" Bad joke aside, come on New York! Support those who get you around and demand that their demands are met so you can once again enjoy the luxory of the transportation you took for granted only two short days ago.
Coward

--
Posted by Conrad Wilson to o at 12/21/2005 09:49:00 AM

[o] BBW contributor gets own song by the Cassettes

Last year David Byrne showed his appreciation for Bornbackwards by naming his latest solo album Grown Backwards in tribute [review]. In yet another sign of how awesome BBW and everyone who writes for it is, The Cassettes now have a song about Walt. See, the story goes that after being thanked by Cassettes singer/songwriter Shelby Cinca in the liner notes of in the liner notes of Frantic Mantis' Data is not Information [review], Walt made the band some homemade fudge in appreciation of the gesture, as well as the numerous guestlist privelages he was offered. Please no poop jokes. Unfortunately, the fudge was left at the club that night, only be snatched up by Cassettes drummer/percussionist Saadat Awan, who then lived off the nutritious deliciousness of the fudge for over two weeks. You may not know it but fudge, especially the homemade variety, has nine essential vitamins and nutrients.

Anyways, while performing at the University of Maryland's WMUC radio station, on the show Local Brew, the Cassettes performed a spontaneous song praising both Walt and his fudge. The mp3 of the song is about nine-minutes long and also contains the band performing Walt's request of the song "Sway Along". A stream of the entire show can be found right here, under the Local Brew heading.

This is undeniable proof that both Walt and his publisher of choice, Bornbackwards.com, tip the scales of awesomeness, if we do say so ourselves. In related news, the Cassettes also have their very own brand of tea: The Captain's Choice Tea, available for purchase on the Lovitt Records online store. Quoth the raven, "[The Captain's Choice Tea is] a custom blend of far-flung herbs including: Rooibos, Yerba Mate, and Peppermint. A flavorful tea with the sweet underpinnings, earthy tones, and a delightful peppermint accent. Good for morning headaches and scurvy pains! Please note: the combination of Rooibos and Yerba Mate has been unofficially considered a "hangover cure" by many a coffee/tea officianados [sic]!" So there you go, get drunk on homemade fudge and avoid the morning-after pains with some Cassettes brand tea.

PS. Tell all your friends how awesome BBW is. Right now.

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/14/2005 09:08:00 AM

[o] RIAA threatens to sue David Byrne

It appears that copyright infringement lawsuits aren't just for downloaders anymore. In its latest desperate attempt to bolster its antiquated and restrictive copyright laws against the digital democratization of music we call 'the internet', the Recording Industry Associate of America, or NAMBLA, has threatened to sue one of its own: David Byrne, former frontman of the Talking Heads.

Apparently, Byrne played more than four songs by the same artist in three hours on his internet radioshow without licensing each of the songs individually. What artist could have so captivated this world-music-seeking genre-hopping musician that he would play more than four of them in three hours? Missy 'Misdemeanor' Elliot. And his radio show? Well this month's theme was "All Missy, All the Time"--a delightful three hour block of crunchy Timbaland beats and slow jamz about Missy's skillz with a vagina.

The warning was issued by the RIAA under The Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 1998, which Byrne characterizes as "a hastily thrown together measure (in my opinion) which aimed to protect the music industry from the impending apocalypse... In my case the law forbids streaming 'radio' that features more than 4 tracks by any one artist in a three-hour period. My guess is that they may have confused streaming with downloading--in the same way that people often confuse downloading with file sharing." Basically the RIAA wants Byrne to license each individual song because his show is streaming--a real broadcast radio station would never have to pay those kinds of outrageously expensive fees.

You can read more about it on Byrne's journal, as well as listen to his show, and peruse the offending playlist. For striking out against the man, we salute you Mr. Byrne, as a musical expeditionary, copyright rebel, and true lover of all things Missy.

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/13/2005 08:54:00 AM

[o] Soundtrack to the Apocalypse part 4 and contest

The fourth part of our "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" feature, dealing with the politics of Rastifarianism and Reggae music in Jamaica during the 1960s and 70s, has been posted. You can download the songs above. We will also be holding a contest for a 2-to-3-CD mix containing all the songs included in the feature, so if you miss any of the mp3s during any particular week you'll be able to collect them on these official unofficial BBW "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" mixes. All you have to do to win them is send an email to contests@bornbackwards.com with the subject "Apocalypse" telling us any apocalyptic songs we missed from any of the eras included, with a short description of said song. Note: please do not send us a glut of crappy apocalyptic metal songs from the '80s and '90s, that shit is too easy, too insincere, and quite franky doesn't count. Except maybe Slayer. Good luck.

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/13/2005 08:52:00 AM

[o] Australia: More Like the US Every Day

Don't let the charming accents, plastic money, and precious ecosystems fool you, Australia is more than a romantic travel destination, it's the America of the Southern Hemisphere (well, beside that other continent down there also called 'America.') Apparently the Aussies, in addition to supporting an asinine war, have racial tensions, just like we do here. That's right, they're rascist too! Not only was the country founded by British outcasts who wiped out and oppressed the native population (sound familiar?), but the latest rascist craze is aimed at Arabs.

Reports out of Sydney Sunday say that thousand of drunken white youths attacked groups of Arabs and those appearing to be of Arab descent after hearing news that two Lebanese youths assaulting two beach lifeguards last weekend. Arab youth retaliated, attacking police officers and cars in Sydney suburbs. In the hours of the race riots, over thirty were injured. Cronulla Beach was overrun by 5,000 or so white youths wearing Australian flags, chanting racial slurs, and attacking paramedics. Police whipped out the batons and pepper spray and joined in on the fun too! Smartass, I mean Prime Minister John Howard, showed concern for his countrymen by issuing a standard statement condemning the violence and then went on to deny the racism still at large in Australia. The prime minister included, "I'm not going to put a general tag of racism on the Australian community." Sounds like someone is afraid to admit that the entire Australian community is drunk and white.

The intelligent racist youth chanted, "We grew here, you flew here," as they tackled Lebanese and other Arab-looking people. This was after downing sixteen Foster's oil cans each, stripping naked, and wrapping Australian flags around themselves. Wait, that's not racism, that's patriotism.

An Australian official from the New South Wales state said the attacks "showed the ugly side of racism in this country, not the fun Aboriginal side we're used to." And the mayor of the Cronulla district pointed out that youths came from all over to participate, then remarked, "Our congratulations to the 2005 Geography Bee Champs from Greater Melbourne High School."

Apparently 9/11 and other terrorist attacks have succeeded in aggrevating racial tensions between Arabs, Muslims, and pure-bred Australians touting 100% Aussie Pride. Which is akin to 100% American Pride. Usually the pride I'm speaking of manifests itself in "Kill Em All and Let God Sort Em Out" bumper stickers and overflows into widespread violence.

I always suspected that the American People weren't alone in their ignorance or suckiness, now I am certain.

I always suspected the American People weren't alone in their ignorance or suckiness, now I am certain.

--
Posted by amira to o at 12/11/2005 05:10:00 PM

[o] Music News

Those looking for some cheap (and good) records this holiday season should head over to the Lovitt website right about now. If you're still reading that means you didn't take my advice and click the link. Perhaps you need some further encouragement: albums by Engine Down, Del Cielo, Decahedron, and Dame Fate are 30% off through the end of the year. But wait, there's more: Bats and Mice albums are also 20% and the Lovitt Transmissions: Vol. 1 DVD is only $9.00 for the rest of December. Preorders for the Denali Pinnacle DVD start on December 15th too. So scroll back up and click that link if you want some CDs that'll make your family think you still care.

Deerhoof also has some fun for you kids with Fruity Loops who like remix Nelly songs with samples of Howlin' Wolf and Alvin & the Chipmunks. Deerhoof now has individual tracks available for download from "RRRRRRRight," the last song on their excellent new album The Runners Four. Remix them whatever way you want--you can even insert that rare soundclip of Mark David Chapman shooting John Lennon that you've been trying forever to remix into something as a meta-commentary on pop music. Then email Deerhoof your Lennon-killing remix and they'll uploaded it onto their site as part of their "Deermix" project. You'll be sort-of famous! Just like Mark David Chapman.

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/10/2005 02:44:00 PM

[o] Black KGB Squirrels to Rule World

Just when you thought the cold war was over, the Russia (formerly known as the USSR, which stands for 'Evil Empire of Godless Communists') strikes back. The proof? Vicious 'Black Ops' Squirrels stolen straight from Satan himself. Some how Russia has managed to keep these squirrels secret by breeding them in the top secret part of Russia next to Japan that American geographers discovered last week. Upon discovery by the Association of American Geographers (AAG) released the following official statement and graphic:

Apparently Russia has been in control of this land mass that's no where near their border with Europe. What is up with that man, why you gotta go play with maps like that? You're all over China's border and a hop away from Alaska? That's messed up man.

The real issue at hand is the fact that the squirrels are trained highly dangerous. Already, there have been reports of the squirrels working in packs to attack and mutilate "big" dogs. Eyewitness accounts say that the dog barked at the black squirrels, asking why they weren't working like the rest of the "normal" squirrels it usually saw. At once the pack of squirrels ganged up on the canine until a human intervined. It was too late, though, as the squirrels had already "literally gutted the dog" and quickly "scattered in different directions, taking pieces of their kill away with them."

When questioned, locals seemed uneasy, replying that "If it really happened, things must be pretty bad in our forests," and that "The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat," adding that last time they had been in the forest there were "no pine cones at all." In a time when tensions are high over the recent riots in France, it is dually disconcerting that such issues are shaping up in unheard of regions of already known countries and draws attention to the deep cutting issues of prejudice and diferential treatment towards immigrants, even if they may be from hell.

Vicious Beast from Hell

While it is concerning Russia has been hiding most of its conutry from the maps for decades, they have trained squirrels from hell with death squad tactics reminescent of Central America and yet continue to discriminate against them, a larger question looms: What wrath shall Satan unleash upon Russia once he realizes that his precious pets have been captured, only to be taken adventage of by a nation that does not even believe in him? Only time will tell.Satan Shrieking in Terror Upon
Not Finding Pet Squirrels


--
Posted by paulito pacifica to o at 12/09/2005 05:42:00 AM

[o] Sex games

If you're anything like myself then the female anatomy is a complete mystery to you. Not only do you have no clue how to pleasure a woman, you don't even know how to get one that wants to be pleasured in the first place. Hell, if you're anything like me you're 32 and still waiting for a mature lady to come along and take your french-kissing virginity. But fear not friend, if they can find a cure for ugliness then they can surely invent cyber-sex. What's that? You say they already have..?

Well then, um ... ever wanted to give a blue cartoon bunny an orgasm? Here's your chance. Now I know that video games have taught you everything you know: how to kill Goombas, rescue princesses, eat 'shrooms, jack cars, and kill cops. They've turned you into a real fine, upstanding citizen but now they can also help you unlock the secrets of not leaving your sex partner totally unsatisfied and bored. Your guide on this adventure? Lapis the blue rabbit, main character of a prototype video game by Heather Kelley, a designer with Ubisoft. Lapis wants to help women take a "magical pet adventure'' to their "happy place.'' Lapis wants to fuck them. You better look out.

This sexy, sultry prototype teaches players about female sexuality and how to reach orgasm by simulating the affect of pleasurable sensation . Players can tickle, touch, tap, stroke, and fist Lapis using the touch screen of the Nintendo DS. They can also talk, sing and blow on the bunny's fur using the device's built-in microphone. I've always wanted to blow a bunny. Lapis, much like 'ladies', needs a variety of stimulation to 'get off' and sometimes nothing will work. But trust me, if you can get his g-spot he really does 'get off': the more stimulated Lapis becomes, the happier he is--until he starts floating through the air. What a filthy slut.

Lapis loves anal.

Kelley, 36, helped to design games like Splinter Cell and Thief. Her prototype orgasm game was developed for, and won, a sex-themed game development competition. The competition was inspired by the outcry over Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas's "Hot Coffee Mod" a sex mini-game in which adolescent boys could act out their depraved sexual fantasies on dry-humping polygon people--incredibly sexy polygon people.

That coffee is hot. Excitement is right.

Lapis is downloadable for free at http://www.moboid.com/lapis/index.htm. So get some quality game time with Lapis, maybe a face transplant and some new clothes and you'll be all ready to get that very first french kiss.

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/08/2005 02:38:00 PM

[o] Soundtrack to the Apocalypse part 3 and contest

The third part of our "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" feature, dealing with the late 1960s and early 1970s, has been posted. You can download the songs above. We will also be holding a contest for a 2-to-3-CD mix containing all the songs included in the feature, so if you miss any of the mp3s during any particular week you'll be able to collect them on these official unofficial BBW "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" mixes. All you have to do to win them is send an email to contests@bornbackwards.com with the subject "Apocalypse" telling us any apocalyptic songs we missed from any of the eras included, with a short description of said song. Note: please do not send us a glut of crappy apocalyptic metal songs from the '80s and '90s, that shit is too easy, too insincere, and quite franky doesn't count. Except maybe Slayer. Good luck.

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/06/2005 07:28:00 AM

[o] GSAVE the Queen

It had been a while since we heard Rumsfeld say much as the White House had apparently gone into 'damage control' mode; god knows why. I would be hard pressed to find a reason, especially now that Cheney has evolved into the official 'evil looking creature' of the administration and now that Rumsfeld looks more like a lost old man wondering where his morning outmeal went.

What the Hell am I doing here?

Uuuuncle Sam, Grampa Cheney's Scaring Me!

Fear not, for after a brief hiatus from lashing out against just about everything and everyone in the world for anything he could think of, Rumseld is back at it. This time he's targeting insurgents for being called. . . insurgents. It seems Rumsfeld is bothered by the exact definition of the word 'insurgent' in the dictionary.

in·sur·gent, Pronunciation Key (n-sûrjnt)
n
1: A person who takes part in an armed rebellion against the constituted authority (especially in the hope of improving conditions)
2: Rising in revolt against established authority, especially a government.

At a recent press conference Peter Pace, the current Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff--and twice winner of the Golden-Dildo award at the Pornstar Name Olympics in the category of Best Male Name in Military Porn--asked Rummy what a more suitable name would be for 'insurgents.' Rumsfeld immediately replied, "Where the fuck is my oatmeal and what are you all doi--," hesitated, then continued, "'Enemies of the Legitimate Iraqi government,' how's that?"

While most of the media present found this exchange humorous, I think it is a good move by a man too often ignorned. 'Enemies of the Legitimate Iraqi government' simply states that the enemy combatants are fighting against the 'legitimate' (read: United States approved) Iraqi government and is not so bold as 'insurgents,' which actually implies that the Iraqi government might be some vague form of established authority, also totally unrealistic. Good for Rummy.

This is not the first time Rumself has tried to revolutionize the face of propaganda. This very summer he suggested that the 'war on terror' should start being called the 'Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism,' or GSAVE for short. This, in effect, would have changed the face of the GSAVE War on Terror from vague frightening Orwellian language to a more vague, detached, faceless term akin to AIDS, HIV, and WEARESOFUCKED.

Coming back rested and strong from his brief relapse into obscurity, Rumsfeld did not end there. When UPI's Pam Hess questioned what the United States military was doing about reported torture by Iraqi authorities Rumsfeld stated that, "Obviously, the United States does not have responsibility" and must simply voice disapproval, a la Saudi Arabia.

Not to leave his voiceless troops in disgrace, Peter Pace--a steaming hunk of a man--quickly interjected. "It is the absolute responsibility of every U.S. service member, if they see inhumane treatment being conducted, to intervene, to stop it."

Rumsfeld replied, "I don't think you mean they have an obligation to physically stop it; it's to report it." Peter Pace quickly responding back by laying the smackdown, that "if they are physically present when inhumane treatment is taking place, sir, they have an obligation to try to stop it." He then proceeded to back-hand the living shit out of Rumsfeld. Keep it up, Peter Pace! Get it, get it?

The press conference ended shortly thereafter with Rumsfeld immediately storming out of the room, presumably to find his 'fucking outmeal.' Breaking with generations of tradition, Peter did not keep pace and slowly meandered alone into the depths of whereverthefucktheywere.


--
Posted by paulito pacifica to o at 11/28/2005 11:11:00 AM

[o] Free Wi-Fi for New Orleans dead

Now that the water has been drained from the neglected city of New Orleans and residents are returning to their homes, the long process of rebuilding a major American metropolis can begin. First on the agenda is ... free wi-fi?

Shouldn't you guys ... I dunno, clear out the dead first? Get the stink out of the curtains? Build better levees this time? Make sure Fats Domino is still alive ... again? No apparently, the government of New Orleans is insistent that the most important thing for their city is getting free wireless internet for everyone. Wi-fi routers will be placed on tops of street lights and provide citizens and businesses with 512 kbps download speeds until the city’s state of emergency has been lifted. Unfortunately, speeds will drop to a paltry (that's fancy-talk for pooptastic') 128 kbps once the city has returned to normal due to state laws restricting government-owned internet providers.

So now residents will have the freedom to download tentacle porn from anywhere in the city. Need some hot goatse.cx action? Check the backyard. Erotic Star Trek fan-fiction? Now you get it on the lawn of city hall. Interested in downloading some Insane Clown Posse songs while watching some really hot anal fisting vids? Now you can do it sitting right next to Grammy's rotting corpse for the whole trip as rescue workers take her to the meatpacking district for 'disposal'. About 10 square miles of the city have already been covered with wi-fi, including the central business district, the French Quarter and the warehouse district.

The city of New Orleans is proud to offer its citizens unlimited access to Homestar Runner and Joe Cartoon in this desperate hour of crisis.

Officials are hoping that the free wi-fi will entice businesses and people to return to the city after the devastating hurricane season. 'People' probably meaning rich and/or white people, because poor black people never left--they could only afford to stay and die. Meaning--and try to follow me here--that they probably don't have computers either ... because they're poor. Mayor Ray Nagin hopes that this free internet will help his constituents to quickly forget that time when he may have, um, you know, accidentally let a whole parking lot full of school buses flood instead of using them toevacuatee poor people from his city in one of the biggest natural disasters this country's ever seen. But hey ... free internet!! That's pooptastic!!


--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/01/2005 02:48:00 PM

[o] At Long Last: Hope for the Ugly

Are you hideously ugly? Do you have a cleft lip, butt chin, saggy tits, enormous nostrils, or a sloping caveman-like brow? Are you often described as a 'she-beast', 'weremonster', or 'swamp thing'? Do you plan to live a lonely, loveless existence until you die friendless and alone? Do you go trick-or-treating without a mask on Halloween? Do people desribe you as having a face 'not even a mother could love'? Is your mother, in fact, a German Shepherd?

At long last there is hope for you, my disturbingly hideous friend! No longer do you have to live in a world where small children run screaming at the site of you! Because surgeons in France have carried out the world's first face transplant. "How does it work?" you may ask between your crooked, yellow teeth and acne-scared tongue. Well, allow me to explain it to your cauliflower ears: tissues, muscles, arteries and veins were taken from a brain-dead donor and attached to the lower face of a woman who had been disfigured by a dog. According to reports, the woman had lost her nose, lips and chin and has been unable to speak or eat properly since the attack in May. She is said to have looked 'worse than Janet Reno.'

This woman is ugly.

Doctors have explained that the woman will not look like her donor, nor will she look like she did before the attack--instead she will have a strange kind of "hybrid" face. As I understand it, "Hybrids" are hideous genetically-manipulated human-alien crossbreeds that are sins against nature trying to take over our world--as seen in the X-Files. They are also the hilarious facial morphs that Conan O'Brian does on his late-night talk show in a segment called "If They Mated." It is unknown at this time if the French doctors are aware of their role in either in an alien plot or a hilarious comedy sketch.

Fucking hybrid scum, trying to pollute our good Earth genes and make us chuckle.

Technically, a face transplant has been possible for years but a bias against helping ugly people has prevented it. So has this pesky little problem called 'ethics.' No one knows whether the transplant will take or how a patient will react to suddenly looking like the punchline of an overplayed Conan sketch. Also, no one knows where donors would come from, as the donor tissue needs to be removed from someone with a beating heart--meaning the brain-dead, like Terri Schiavo and her friends the Wonder Twins. Dr. Iain Hutchison, an oral/facial surgeon and chief executive of Saving Faces--the Facial Surgery Research Foundation--describes the scenario, "So, say your sister was in intensive care, you would have to agree to allow their face to be removed before the ventilator was switched off." He then added, "that would be pretty cool."

There is even hope for this poor, poor shell of a man.

The ugly community is rejoicing, and People for the Ethical Treatment of the Ugly has issued a statement calling it "a new dawn in Human/Fugly relations, and a new hope for all the assfaced peoples of the world. Martha Stewart has said that she wishes to become beautiful as soon as possible, even if she has to rip the face off a baby herself. Unfortunately, it is not clear at this time whether an individual could be left worse off--or in medical jargon, 'uglier'--in the event that a face transplant failed. Although in the case of Condeleeza Rice, even a terrible failure leaving her as a horrific, twisted creature of nightmare would only be an improvement.

--
Posted by exadore to o at 12/01/2005 02:48:00 PM