If you've been paying attention, you've already read my award-winning essay on Radiohead's Kid A, submitted to David Barker's 33 1/3 "Under 21" essay contest back in June, and just recently posted here on the good ol' BBW. Please, take a seat, enjoy a fine glass of whatever swill you've got nearby, and listen closely to the dulcet sounds of John Mayer actually doing something good for once. His cover of Radiohead's "Kid A" is, embarassingly enough, what persuaded me to not hate Kid A's easily hate-able electronic ass. Which you would know if you had read the feature I assume you already read.

John Mayer - Kid A
Radiohead - Kid A

[o] We Must Fight The Net

“May you live in interesting times.” – Chinese Curse

A quick perusal of recent headlines will have you convinced that we are, indeed, cursed. The government is spying on vegetarians, huge companies are making even more profits than they normally make, thousands are dying in an war overseas, American consumers are spending more and more, Conservatives are taking over the Supreme Court, and a movie about gay sheep herders is collecting award nominations. The only thing completely uninteresting in this day and age is another postal worker going nuts and killing people, a tired cliché that we’re all sick of. It’s like hearing about how Jesus died for our sins. Boo hoo yeah we get it already! He could have died for our sins a lot sooner had abortion been legal in biblical times. What do you have to say to that, Rick Santorum?

That being said, one of the most 'interesting' things happening in the news this week is a Department of Defense (DoD) plan to coordinate its information operations and “Fight the Net.” A recently declassified 78 page document (yes, I actually looked through and read most of it) entitled “Information Operations Roadmap” describes the organization’s plans to “Fight the Net,” “Improve PSYOP,” and “Improve Network and Electro-Magnetic Attack Capabilities.”

“We Must Fight The Net”

With the growing number of computer networks on the information superhighway, the government is worried that it can’t keep up. They want to be able to protect their own networks while keeping a keen eye on any terrorist or vegetarian networks popping up.

“Networks are increasingly the operational center of gravity, and the Department must be prepared to "fight the net” (censored) but be fully prepared to ensure critical warfighting network functionality and to (censored).” This isn’t about virtual war like in those video games the Army uses to recruit young men; this is about actual war on actual networks. This is about AOL punters.

The Net - And why we must fight it

“We Must Improve PSYOP”

PSYOP is short for Psychological Operations and the government has been engaging in PSYOPs for years. The document lays out its current problem with PSYOPs in the following two paragraphs:

“Attention is typically paid to the need to carefully segregate PSYOP from public affairs for fear that PSYOP tactics and techniques would undermine the credibility of public affairs efforts.

"PSYOP in the past, however, was often used to support US Government diplomacy and information objectives with non-adversarial audiences. These include counter-drug, demining and AIDS awareness programs in friendly countries. In most cases, PSYOP used in this capacity was justifiable as support to military operations.”

As you can see, it’s OK to control peoples’ minds as long as it’s for a good cause! Not mentioned in those two paragraphs is how our government bought stories in Iraqi papers in order to convince the Iraqi people that even though we demolished their country’s infrastructure and killed hundreds of thousands of their people, we’re the good guys! To be fair, the DoD’s goal is to refocus on “adversary decision-making” which means making “PSYOP products… based on in-depth knowledge of the audience’s decision-making processes and the factors influencing his decisions, produced rapidly at the highest quality standards, and powerfully disseminated directly to targeted audiences throughout the area of operations.” Nothing to worry about there, since they only target “adversaries.” But wait a minute! Remember weapons of mass destruction? Remember how there weren’t any? Remember how almost every government official said there were WMDs and almost every news outlet ran stories about the WMDs that were an immediate threat? Sounds to me they were trying to influence some decisions and disseminate some information to target audiences and, oh, what’s that? Oh! That’s just their public affairs division. I forgot. Nothing to see here, folks. Nothing to see here.

This is the good stuff
“We Must Improve Network and Electro-Magnetic Attack Capabilities”

What, exactly, does this mean? Well, the DoD explains it best as having the capability to "disrupt or destroy the full spectrum of globally emerging communications systems, sensors, and weapons systems dependent on the electromagnetic spectrum" just like that movie Escape from LA starring Kurt Russell. And we all know what happened when he pushed that button: voip! Lights out world! Snake Plissken doesn’t fuck around. [Editor’s Note: Escape From LA is a highly inferior sequel. Real life should be as good as an original. Real life should never be an inferior sequel, after all, look at what we got with Bush Jr.] To put this in layman’s terms, THEY WANT TO BE ABLE TO TAKE OUT EVERY FUCKING TELEPHONE, RADAR SYSTEM, COMPUTER NETWORK, AND ANYTHING ELSE RELYING ON ELECTRICITY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! And that’s not even an exaggeration; it’s quoted right up above. This is real life. This is democracy.

In conclusion, we are cursed, the government is fucking crazy, and Snake Plissken is a badass.

Snake Plissken aka the US Government

The End.

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Posted by Conrad Wilson to o at 1/31/2006 04:31:00 PM

[o] Vegetarians = Terrorists

It's something we've all known for years. Those skinny, pasty kids with white-boy dreadlocks who only eat broccoli and soy are actually terrorists. Yeah you know the ones, they're always telling you that your mouth-watering ham sandwich with Swiss on rye is made out of the brutal rape and murder of cute baby piggies, and they laugh in your face when you mention that the people in the Twin Towers died to protect the freedom to eat ham sandwiches whenever and wherever. They'll remind you of how you cried when Wilbur was saved from the slaughterhouse in Charlotte's Web--well that same tactic is used by Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and the biggest terrorist of all, John Kerry. Or so says the US Government.

Yes, apparently the US Government is spying on vegetarians. Because after all, not eating steak for breakfast is Unamerican--and our president pretends he's from Texas, home of the cattle industry ... even though he's actually from Connecticut. In order to upkeep his silly Tejas cowboy image, he's gotta stomp out those meat-hating pinko pussies. Nothing but steers and queers from Texas, and he certainly ain't into gay marriage.

Seems the American Civil Liberties Union of Georgia acquired some government surveillance photos and files that demonstrate how far the FBI, Homeland Security Department, and others have gone to observe ordinary Georgians involved in anti-war protests or in expressing opposition views. According to the ACLU, two of the documents relate to surveillance of anti-war and anti-government protests--and a vegan rally--that prove the agencies have been "spying" on Georgia residents unconstitutionally.

For example, there are more than two dozen government surveillance photographs of 22-year-old Caitlin Childs of Atlanta, a strict vegetarian, as she and other vegans picketed against meat-eating outside of a HoneyBaked Ham store, in December 2003. As we all know, the HoneyBaked Ham store on Buford Highway in DeKalb County, Georgia is the center of the Meat-Industrial Complex for the entire Eastern United States, so their protest simply could not go unchallenged by the powers that be.

Caitlin Childs: hippie, vegan, communist, juvenile delinquent, terrorist scum.

Childs was later arrested for writing down the license plate number of an undercover government vehicle that was observing her, because it is now illegal to write down plate numbers that are clearly and publicly visible to all women, childrens, and general passersby. Don't you fuck with America, you tree-hugging bean-eater! We'll arrest you for nothing!

Here's those pinko-commies the ACLU running to her defense: "We believe that spying on American citizens for no good reason is fundamentally un-American ... We want the spies in our government to pack their bags, close up their notebooks, take their cameras home and not engage in the spying anymore," Gerald Weber of the ACLU of Georgia said during a news conference. "We have heard of not a single, government surveillance of a pro-war group and I doubt we will ever hear of a single surveillance of a pro-war group." That's because people who support the president in this time of crisis are true American heroes--the only people who oppose the War on Terror or Iraq or Whatever, are the Terrorists or Iraqis or Whatevers who are being warred upon.

Caitlin Childs: the sexy new face of terror.

Weber said the ACLU of Georgia may sue the government, in order to define what unconstitutional surveillance is in a post-911 America. I guess he doesn't realize it already is defined: it's whatever the president says it is.

If you don't eat meat, you're next. I'm looking at you, Adam Conrad; get ready for summer camp at Gitmo!

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Posted by exadore to o at 1/27/2006 05:05:00 AM

[o] Fuck New Hampshire and Fuck the Supreme Court

New Hampshire recently changed their state motto from "Live Free or Die" to "Live Free or Die, unless you're a pregnant minor seeking an abortion, in which case you can just die because not only do your parents need to be notified of this choice--and really, only in the most stable of family situations would a minor fear telling her parents of an occurrence of such importance and the choice you have made to terminate your unwanted pregnancy because hey, in the end you really are only 13 so maybe having a child is not the best thing for, well, your life--but further, you must wait 48 hours after having notified your parents--who can at any moment decide that you are not allowed to have an abortion because hey, any parent who thinks their 13 year old should go through and have that child really knows what is best--in order to proceed with the abortion, regardless of whether your health may or may not be at serious risk. Nope, you can just die because even the false veil of your freedom and democracy in this country has been ripped from your very eyes."

Fuck New Hampshire for this legislative bigotry. Sandra Day O'Connor, shame on you, allowing the supreme court to use you and your position as a woman in the court to write the deciding opinion upholding this law because the lower court decision against it was "too blunt." As it should have been, for it is in itself a most blunt violation of freedom and a direct regression of equal rights for women and minors, who last I recall, are also considered a minority, you old hag. Fuck you and the president who appointed you.

I would wish for reincarnation to be truth and you to be born into a poverty ridden broken home in New Hampshire and become pregnant at 13 just so you could suffer the wrath of your own decision except I, for one, actually have a heart and would never want to subject someone to the horrible, appalling, life-ending fate that you seem oh so fine with.

"Live Free or Die" and "Liberty and Justice for All," working hard to make the United States a more dishonest place.

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Posted by paulito pacifica to o at 1/18/2006 11:10:00 AM

[o] We're back

Now that the holidays are over, we can get back to skewering music and talking shit about elected officials.

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Posted by exadore to o at 1/13/2006 09:55:00 AM