If you've been paying attention, you've already read my award-winning essay on Radiohead's Kid A, submitted to David Barker's 33 1/3 "Under 21" essay contest back in June, and just recently posted here on the good ol' BBW. Please, take a seat, enjoy a fine glass of whatever swill you've got nearby, and listen closely to the dulcet sounds of John Mayer actually doing something good for once. His cover of Radiohead's "Kid A" is, embarassingly enough, what persuaded me to not hate Kid A's easily hate-able electronic ass. Which you would know if you had read the feature I assume you already read.

John Mayer - Kid A
Radiohead - Kid A

[o] Say Yes! To Beast!al!ty!

I've never really understood what the big deal is about beastiality. So a man loves a goldfish, so what! Let him be happy! I bet if Michael Bolton sang some godawful song about it -- perhaps entitled "When A Man Loves A Goldfish" -- millions of middle-aged women, gay men, and corporate executives named Bob would be all for it. Fuck Michael Bolton.

Not even a face transplant could save this man.

The reason this all comes to mind is that, recently, a Sudanese man was forced to "marry" a goat after being caught having sex with it by the owner of the goat. The man, who I shall now refer to as Tom, the Fucker of Goats, was simply laying the heat on this goat when the goat's owner -- Al, the Total Buzzkill, for all intensive purposes -- comes out of nowhere and gets all "crazy father" about it. Tommy-boy there was just trying to get his mack on with a nice lady-goat, and Buzzkill goes totally apeshit. You think just because you own the goat, you're the only one who can make sweet, sweet love to the goat. So anyway, after Al walks in and questions Tommy on his actions (which must have been way awkward) Tommy falls off the goat, at which point Al ties him up and calls the local council of elders -- so much more effective than the police -- who tell Al that he should make the Fucker of Goats pay him 15000 dinar (50 bucks) for what he did to his poor poor lovergoat and that the goat, who shall remain nameless, will now be considered his "wife." Really now, that's just unfair! It was just a one-night thing! They both knew it, but the Total Buzzkill just had to be involved, and things get crazy and there's another unhappily married shotgun-goat-marriage couple. What an awful world we live in, where a man can't just have sex with a goat, say that he'll call it the next day and then never actually call it again because he's far too busy hitting on and having sex with many other goats.

She knows the deal.

Slightly more heartwarming -- yet somehow just as disturbing -- is the story of a 41-year-old English woman who in December 2005 "married" Cindy, a 35-year-old male bottlenose dolphin. In the past, when asked about relationships with other men, she had always declined, apparently somehow knowing that she was destined to end up marrying a dolphin, who will almost certainly die long before she does. In a shocking twist, she doesn't expect Cindy to be a one-woman dolphin, and hopes for many more baby dolphins that she can someday marry. Because, you know, friends are pretty overrated anyway. One could certainly surmise that Cindy, despite the fruity-ass name, has got it made. All the herring he can eat, as supplied by a foxy English nanny, as well as all the dolphin tail he can handle. It is my expert opinion, however, that the woman is the one running the scam on this one. She runs from country to country, "marrying" dolphins, taking samples of dolphin semen so that she can breed a super-race of dominant dolphin/man hybrids -- kinda like in that one awful "Treehouse of Horror" episode of The Simpsons, but cooler -- all the while, secretly pocketing herring for herself.

Genius!!

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Posted by Phil to o at 2/25/2006 07:25:00 AM

[o] 6.5 Billion Too Many

Supposing that a nuclear holocaust, super plague or the Rapture doesn't occur first, the population of the planet Earth--that's where we live--is expected to reach 6.5 billion people by this Saturday. That's 6.5 billion smelly, ugly, pathetic, uncultured, unmannered, hairy, unethical, greedy, sniveling little things. That's about 6.5 billion reasons to die, if you ask me.

People! Who needs em? Certainly not me. I would do just fine with no human contact, whatever: I get my sex from the internet, and my food from a dumpster. I hate going out because everywhere is too crowded with people! No wonder the line at the DMV is seven days long. It's all because of people! 6.5 billion people!

Ugh, people!

It's unknown just how many people the Earth can support, but I'll tell you what--I'm sick of rubbing shoulders with troglodytes on the Subway. I say 6.5 billion is 6.5 billion too many. Personally, I believe that the Earth can only support two people--me and Jenna Jameson--so all you other silly assholes better clear the fuck out and leave us lovebirds in peace.

This news comes courtesy of the U.S. Census Bureau and its World Population Clock which estimates that each second 4.1 people are born and 1.8 people die. We've seriously got to reverse those numbers if we ever expect to find a parking spot at the mall on a Saturday. But of course, Christians have to come and fuck up my sweet party--my sweet killing party.

South Dakota is attempting to completely outlaw abortion, in the first full-frontal assault on Roe v Wade in 33 years. Helloooo ... South Dakota, I know your state has like 7 people living in it, but the rest of the Earth is already full-up with 6.5 billion people--the last thing we need is more of the vile things, sucking up all my fresh water and eating all my delicious Soylent Green®©! The bill would make it a crime for doctors in the state to perform an abortion unless it was necessary to save the woman's life. Unfortunately, that also means that doctors can no longer perform abortions to spice up a dull Friday night, with the only positive result being that no one will ever be able to beat Dr. Krongold's 'beer-bong fetus-chugging' record at the weekly hospital keg parties. He has held the record since 1993.

No More of This for Dr. Krongold.

The South Dakota bill would also make no exception in cases of rape or incest, because apparently South Dakota needs more incestuous retard children running around. Manufacturers of Ritalin are particularly fond of that part of the bill. The sad thing is that it looks like it will pass: Governor Mike Rounds said he is inclined to sign the bill, but first his staff will review the bill for technical defects. Rounds was forced to abort, or 'veto', a similar bill two years ago because of serious technical, or 'birth', defects.

Thanks to jerks like South Dakota, pretty soon there will be so many people we'll have to start shooting the damn things into outer space like the trash they are just so the rest of us have some breathing room. But that will only make things worse: can you imagine how badly people are going to overcommercialize and pollute the beautiful, verdant fields of Mars? Pretty soon the whole of the red planet will be like one giant Pottery Barn. I fucking hate Pottery Barn!

Thank god somebody is sane in this crazy, overpopulated world.

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Posted by exadore to o at 2/23/2006 02:11:00 PM

[o] Cartoons Are Wack.

It's official: cartoons are the most dangerous weapons of hatred ever created. And goddammit, I've got proof to prove it!

Pure, unbridled evil.

Ever since the classic cartoon era of the 1940s and 50s, which produced so many of the best characters and cartoons society has ever seen, cartoon producers have been going out of their way to offend everyone in their path. Who could ever forget the terrible 1944 classic "Plane Daffy," in which Daffy Duck is a message courier who ends up interrupting a speach being given by Hitler? (By the way, his message was "Hitler is a stinker," which is just so unfair to Hitler.) Riots in the streets of Germany! Hitler calling for Mel Blanc's voice box! I read in a book -- a real book -- that Daffy Duck and Daffy Duck alone is the reason Hitler got so serious about the Holocaust. It was in a book, it can't be a lie.

Or perhaps the awful "Bugs Bunny Nips The Nips" is more fresh in your mind. You know, the one where Bugs Bunny washes up on a Japanese island surrounded by Japanese soldiers, only to painfully (i.e. comically) annhilate them all by fighting their sumo wrestlers, destroying their planes, and then using his favorite racial slur for the Japanese (p.s. It's "slant eyes." The more you know!) to send them off after feeding explosive ice cream to the whole platoon. Of course, this really only strengthens my conclusion that Bugs Bunny is a total douche. They were just trying to make a living dammit! Why would you do that to those poor Japanese Nazis!? No one understood, especially the Japanese, who ultimately blew up the world over the idea of Bugs Bunny dressed as a geisha.

Watch your back Hitler!

Honestly, Superman may have been the only level-headed character concerning that whole crazy "World War" situation. He was just trying to promote proper wartime activities.

Only if you believe you can!

Fast forward to 2006 and everyone - or at least every cartoonist - knows by now that if they have the urge to draw a picture of the Islamic leader the Prophet Mohammed with a bomb in his turban, they should find a way to suppress it immediately. I mean, that's just fucked up. Unless, of course, said cartoonist is a political mastermind who knows ahead of time that the publishing of said mocking cartoon will cause an embarrassingly long-lasting series of riots, embassy-burnings (not that they aren't always good times, anyway), and death threats that will ultimately make it impossible for the majority of western culture to ever really grasp what Muslim culture and ideals are all about. If that is the case, I'd just like to give a quick high-five to the cartoonist who drew that very cartoon for completely going through with the plan. I mean, a lot of cartoonists would have pussied out (Jim Davis, Mort Walker, that asshole that's still doing Blondie) but this crazy bastard pulled it through to completion! To be honest, the issuance of a death threat against him by a major Muslim leader was probably just a sweet bonus, not even part of the original plan! Congratulations! Now all you have to do is avoid going outside or being near people for as long as you can until this allllll blows over. Should be easy enough. But, on the other hand, since that probably wasn't how it went down, it looks like the dude's gonna have to live with the fact that he did all of that with such pure and well-considered intentions. But alas: Cartoons = Gonna get that dude killed.

Still not convinced that all cartoons are the work of the devil? Then you're probably illiterate, and ought head right out to New Zealand, where you will never again see an episode of Comedy Central's "South Park," because of a particularly offensive episode. The episode in question? The one that depicts a menstruating statue of the Virgin Mary. Outrageous! Outrageous, I say! Despite a boycott by every Catholic in town, a formal letter from Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and Muslim leaders urging its retraction and a totally heartfelt but pretty lame home video of Batman crying over it, New Zealand station TV Works chose to air it anyway, proving once again that boycotts and letters from religious leaders don't mean shit if there ain't a sweeeeet bribe involved. Besides, hating on "South Park" is soooo 1998.

So there. I have proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt -- Jack McCoy on "Law & Order"-style -- that cartoons are evil. And if you're still not convinced...

Look away!

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Posted by Phil to o at 2/22/2006 12:53:00 PM

[o] Writers Wanted

In case you couldn't tell, we need writers. Desperately. The ones we already have are lazy prima donnas who only like to do work once every three months. So send a sample to submissions at bornbackwards dot com and one day you too can be a lazy prima donna. We're looking for both reviewers and news reporters, so if you ever wanted to write for a no-name zine that thinks it's better than it is, now's your chance!

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Posted by exadore to o at 2/15/2006 02:33:00 AM

[o] Sweden plans oil-free economy

Sweden--home of Vikings, meatballs, 55% income taxes, socialized everything, Gustavus Adolphus, and the Hives--has dropped perhaps the biggest bombshell of the 21st Century (so far). I know this buildup is unnecessary because you've all already read the title of this article, but wait for it... wait for it... They plan to run their country without oil by the year 2020. Boom, George Bush just wet himself.

The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences is worried, and rightly so, that oil supplies at the moment are peaking, shortly to run out altogether, and that high oil prices could cause global economic collapse. In response to these fears, the country plans to replace all fossil fuels with renewable energy within only 15 years.

But isn't that impossible? Don't they have insane heating bills up there in the far white North? How can Sweden possibly accomplish this startling feat? Well, the first step is that they actually have a Minister of Sustainable Development! Egads! I know President Bush likes to talk about alternative fuel sources , but usually he's just talking about oil in alternative places, like Alaskan animal refuges and the tourism-dependent Florida Gulf Coast. If he really meant it, not only would we have a Minister of Sustainable Development, but we'd also have a country where oil-men didn't own shares of the government. All I'm saying is that the man loves black gold almost as much as he loves killing A-rabs with his bare hands.

That's what I'm talking about, the sweet stuff

Besides their ministry and their ability to elect non-oil tycoons to their government, the second important factor in Sweden's plan are the lessons they learned during the 1970's energy crisis. The country was hit particularly hard by oil prices at the time and began building a new energy infrastructure based on nuclear and hydroelectric power. The country already has a leap over the rest of the world, as 26% of all power in Sweden is from renewable sources, compared with just an average 6% in the rest of the European Union, and an average -1049875367432098% in the US. We actually burn windmills and solar panels for energy in America.

On the other hand, Sweden is trying a novel idea and use them to collect power instead. New wind and wave power generators are planned, as is development of new biofuels from its substantial forests. Additionally the country is planning to research what the Academy of Sciences has called 'Viking Power,' which will unleash the power of raw machismo hidden in the Viking blood of every mild-mannered Swede.

The final factor in Sweden's energy independence is that the attempt itself is being planned by a committee of industrialists, academics, car manufacturers, farmers and others, a group of people who, in America, would literally rape and pillage each other at first sight. To death.

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Posted by exadore to o at 2/10/2006 04:21:00 AM

[o] The reason Carnival is popular

We tend to think that America has all the sweetest parties, most drunken debauchery, and the girls gone the wildest. After all, lots of people in America go to college and college is for getting totally wasted and regretting every night the next morning, right?! Hell, we even got a former fratboy for president. Woo! College!

But we're in danger of losing our status pretty quick here. This year's Mardi Gras just isn't going to be as much fun now that half the city is waterlogged and being reclaimed by the bayous, and the rest just stinks like corpses. Total buzzkill.

Now comes word that Brazil is stepping up the challenge. As part of its annual Carnival, the Brazilian government will distribute 25 million free condoms. Twenty-five million. Imagine a nation-wide Mardi Gras and you realize the US doesn't stand a chance. The girls here go wild ALL YEAR ROUND, Carnival is when they go feral.

"It's that time of year when we boost [condom] distribution because of the increase in demand," an official from the Health Ministry's anti-AIDS program said, proving once again that Brazilians love to fuck each other.

Literally and Figuratively.

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Posted by exadore to o at 2/07/2006 01:01:00 PM