If you've been paying attention, you've already read my award-winning essay on Radiohead's Kid A, submitted to David Barker's 33 1/3 "Under 21" essay contest back in June, and just recently posted here on the good ol' BBW. Please, take a seat, enjoy a fine glass of whatever swill you've got nearby, and listen closely to the dulcet sounds of John Mayer actually doing something good for once. His cover of Radiohead's "Kid A" is, embarassingly enough, what persuaded me to not hate Kid A's easily hate-able electronic ass. Which you would know if you had read the feature I assume you already read.

John Mayer - Kid A
Radiohead - Kid A

[o] Immigrants Everywhere!

Get pumped! It's time for new immigration legislation! I know, I know, so soon! A bill just passed in Congress this week that would essentially revamp the whole system. The most controversial part of the bill is the proposal for the creation of a "guest-worker" program, proposed by The Man himself George W. Bush, in what must have been his proudest moment since he started dressing himself back in the '03. This program creates the possibility of legalization for any newly incoming illegal immigrants. But in order for any illegal immigrant to become born-again as an American citizen, they must work for six years, pay about $2000 in fines and taxes, get a background check and also learn English, all while taming a lion with only a whip and a stool. It makes sense up until the English part, at least. The question of legalization concerning illegal immigrants already living in the US is still up in the air. The bill goes to the Senate next Tuesday. Cross your fingers little bill!

All of this immigration craziness comes in response to recent protests across the country over some slightly harsh immigration reforms passed in Congress back in December. That bill proposed making illegal immigration a felony and building 700 miles of "security fence" along one-third of the US/Mexico border. I know, what a great idea right?! I don't really understand why that didn't garner any support past the House. One protest held in response to the bill went on last week in Milwaukee, Wisconsin -- apparently more of a hotbed of racial tension than I had ever realized -- where over 10,000 Hispanics (30,000, according to the organizers) marched on downtown, wearing shirts emblazoned with the slogan "We Are Not Criminals." Fight the power. Protesters referred to their march as "A Day Without Latinos," a play on the name of the 2004 movie A Day Without A Mexican, about a day in which all Mexicans disappear from California, and the wacky things that all the white people must to do to cover up for the fact that they're useless, like clean their own house and rake the leaves. HA!


A day without a Mexican? Sounds like a pretty good day.

Bush's "guest-worker" proposal is against the wishes of the majority of the Republican party, who much prefer the idea of having nice blonde-haired, fair-skinned American boys do the gardening and pool-cleaning at their country homes. Honestly now, how many good pornos have you seen where the lonely housewife seduces the Mexican pool-cleaner? Exactly! So, understandably, Republican Congressmen, like House Judiciary Committee Chairman James Sensenbrenner, are treating the situation as sensibly as possible. Sensenbrenner - "They'll flood our schools. Our health-care system will collapse, and our social service system will end up being overtaxed. Now quickly, bring me my blanky so that I may weep for the future of what will surely become a diverse American population! Disgusting!" As you read this, Bush is discussing the reforms with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Mexcian President Vincente Fox deep within the heart of the "real" Mexico, the one they won't show you on TV, the place from which all those Mexicans are fleeing -- Cancun!


Almost as hard to look at as the movie "The Real Cancun." Ba-da-ching!

One of the most peculiar things about the bill is that the "guest-worker" program was put on with the purpose of filling up jobs that, according to Bush, "Americans will not do." I always thought that when you're poor, starving, and homeless you really wouldn't be so picky about a source of income, but I guess I was mistaken. So, because of that, right now in the US, we need illegal immigrants. Just read that one or two more times. Current American citizens are refusing to take jobs. SO WE NEED ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS TO DO THEM. And, naturally, this is government-recognized. Now, I respect my Constitutionally-recognized right to be a lazy, hypocritical fuck of a person -- it comes in handy every day! -- but how can Americans demean French students for rioting all the time and being lazy socialists who want guaranteed work when we're not even willing to take the work we've got because we don't like it? I thought I knew my Bill of Rights pretty well, but I guess I missed the one that says it's totally okay for you to sit on your ass and criticize everyone else after you do a couple years of shitty work.. Fortunately, all these illegal immigrants can look forward to the same sitting-on-ass right by doing menial labor that they'll be too damn good for six years from now when they get their American citizenship... aaaaand thaaat's the circle of liiiiiiife!

On the plus side, restaurant businesses will see a huge boom in employment. Seriously, people are excited about it. And you should be, too! Now your favorite Italian restaurant will never run out of ravioli!

I hear Speedy makes some dynamite alfredo sauce.


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Posted by Phil to o at 3/30/2006 09:38:00 AM

[o] Writers (still) Wanted

In case you couldn't tell, we need writers. Desperately. The ones we already have are lazy prima donnas who only like to do work once every three months. So send a sample to submissions at bornbackwards dot com with the word reviews in the title and one day you too can be a lazy prima donna. We're looking for both reviewers and news reporters, so if you ever wanted to write for a no-name zine that thinks it's better than it is, now's your chance!

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Posted by exadore to o at 3/28/2006 04:41:00 PM

[o] Meat Makers and Meat Takers

Let's face it, the 21st Century isn't all its cracked up to be. We've officially been living here in the future for like 6 years now and I haven't seen any hoverboots or jetpacks or pleasurebots. Have you seen any rayguns or atomic cars? No, I thought not. All we've gotten for our trouble is color-coded terror alerts and melting ice-caps. The Jetsons would be ashamed of us, ashamed. For years now the promise of the future has been withheld from us, but one vision of a future utopia still exists, one dream, one desire--the desire to grow your own meat in a tube.

The Future!
You need no longer suppress your greatest dreams, my friend! Scientists have revealed that they have successfully grown chunks of frog and mouse meat in the laboratory. Delicious! The scientists, known as (I kid you not) 'meat researchers', are now turning their attention to chicken, pork, and beef, with hopes of developing an industrial version of the process within five years. Coincidentally, 'Meat Researcher' is also the term Jenna Jameson uses to describe her profession around polite company.

Here's the kicker: you won't walk into a supermarket and buy this fancy new cultured meat, you will grow it in your own house like a creepy psycho. Apparently the process will be too expensive and difficult to mass produce in vitro meat in the short term, but those who fancy themselves home chefs or 'meat researchers' could make their own meat in a small device the size of a coffee grinder. In the future, it will no longer be considered totally creepy to tell people that you have a 'meat maker' in your house. Consumers should beware to never get the device confused with an actual coffee grinder though or they could be drinking their meat black.

Before bed you could just throw a pack of fresh starter cells and some growth medium into the 'meat maker' and wake up to harvest fresh sausage for breakfast. Neighborhood butchers the world over would be wracked with fear right about now if they hadn't already been put out of business by supermarkets like 40 years ago.

So far researchers have only succeeded in growing bits of meat, the kind that could be used in burgers, meatballs, or spaghetti sauce--that is, if anyone ate mouse burgers besides homeless people. Growing a full steak or a pork roast will be more challenging for scientists, though it is expected to redefine the meaning of the term 'tube steak', said Henk Haagsman, professor of meat sciences at the University of Utrecht, which is an actual real position he holds. He is part of a team of Dutch researchers who are leading the world in the meat-making field. Seriously.

Professor of Meat Sciences, hard at work.
Following close behind the Dutch are those wily Australians, who have have grown muscle tissue from a frog, which they served with Calvados sauce at an exhibition in France, to human frogs, in 2003. The frog steaks, they said, tasted like jelly on fabric. Not be outdone by the Dutch, the Australians have dubbed themselves 'professors of meatology' and have begun tailoring their research towards the growing of beef curtains.

Frogs eating frogs, get it?
Besides how weird and fucking gross this all sounds, and provided there aren't any strange side-effects, it could very well be one of the most important technology advances in recent human history, doing away with all of the problems associated with industrial farming. We can only hope that it will also do away will all vegetarians. Because animal cells can be replicated indefinitely in a laboratory setting, a single cell could theoretically produce the world's annual meat supply. This would eliminate the massive amounts of food, cropland, water, fertilizer, pesticides and energy needed to feed and raise animals, as well as the excessive water and air pollution associated with disposing of their waste. In other words, farmers would no longer be compelled to beat the meat...

What a great audience, but seriously folks... No more cow farts depleting the o-zone. Hell, maybe we could even start giving all that extra food to hungry Africans or something. No more health worries from meat either: a beef steak or a pulled-pork sandwich could be made with the fat profile of salmon. Heart disease and diabetes amongst the world's population would fall dramatically, and we would no longer have to worry about crazy shit like Mad Cow Disease or Avian Flu spreading to humans. Unfortunately, no one yet knows whether or not test tube meat will taste as good as--or anything like--normal meats. My only qualm is that now when I tell women I want to give them a 'hot beef injection' they won't know that I mean to violate them.

On the other hand, now PETA can finally leave me the fuck alone.

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Posted by exadore to o at 3/28/2006 08:49:00 AM

[o] Soundtrack to the Apocalypse part 5 and contest

The fifthpart of our "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" feature, dealing with punk fucking rock, has been posted. You can download the songs above. We will also be holding a contest for a 2-to-3-CD mix containing all the songs included in the feature, so if you miss any of the mp3s during any particular week you'll be able to collect them all on these officially unofficial BBW "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" mixes. All you have to do to win them is send an email to contests@bornbackwards.com with the subject "Apocalypse" telling us any apocalyptic songs we might have missed from any of the eras included, with a short description of said song. Note: please do not send us a glut of crappy apocalyptic metal songs from the '80s and '90s, that shit is too easy, too insincere, and quite franky doesn't count. Except maybe Slayer. Good luck.

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Posted by exadore to o at 3/27/2006 02:23:00 PM

[o] Domenechgate

So the story we here at BBW paid closest attention to last week had to be Domenechgate (we're allowed to invent words, we're on the internet!). Let me run you through it. Ben Domenech was hired by the Washington Post last week to write a blog with an obvious right wing slant, which really came as nothing new to Domenech. He had been a frequent poster on redstate.org and even had his own pathetic little blog where he would call Coretta Scott King a communist. Right from the announcement of his hiring -- and the ever-more drastic slant to the right that the Post has been making -- there were cries for balance, Fox News-style, and pressure to hire a liberal blogger, say like an Alan Colmes-type. Someone who could blow away in the wind of Domenech's insane Hannity-like verbal onslaught. And here is where we saw it: opportunity.

See, the idea was that if you're going to take a college grad but with no degree in journalism and no real experience, like lovely Mr. Domenech, and who just takes a fancy to shit-talking his political opponents -- and the criticism you're getting for his hiring is from liberals asking for a balance -- then we have just the guy for you, Washington Post! Ryan Boyle, editor and founder of our very own Bornbackwards.com -- a happy site full of wonderful star-fuckers... The parallels are astounding! College grad, no journalism experience but this ridiculous blog and complete, unapologetic bias in the face of all countervailing facts. Where you have Domenech calling civil rights leaders communists, you have Boyle, who once called former president Ronald Reagan "a senile old fart" who "couldn't even tell the difference between a turkey sandwich and a bathtub."

The balance could have been so sweet! Imagine it! Instead of Hannity and Colmes it would be like Hannity vs. Hannity all day, every day! For going on four years now, the esteemed Mr. Boyle has been walking the liberal line, a poster boy for what the real Sean Hannity calls "troop hurting" by having an opinion that isn't monitored, delivered, and approved by Fox News. I understand that Mr. Boyle's Reagan comment alone caused quite a few troops to bleed anally, which of course gave much comfort to our enemies. I suspect that he may have even murdered some troops last week with his bare hands while burning an American flag and singing "Manic Monday" in French. He calls it his "Fun Day."

Oh lawdy, but our perfect plot was ruined. Never seen such troubles so hard. Domenech was torn to shreds by liberal bloggers -- like us I guess? -- who with an astonishing pace found every possible incriminating detail about the man's writing, including a history of plagiarism. That's a big faux pas amongst journalism types. So regrettably, Mr. Domenech's tenure at the Washington Post lasted a whopping 3 days, while poor Mr. Boyle's lasted but zero. In a way we're happy for the victory, but come on, that was our ticket to riches baby! Couldn't it have been emphasized just a bit more that it needed to be balanced? We were already sending out promotion packages with a signed glossy of Ryan in a red, white, and blue suit for Christ's sake!

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Posted by Anthony S.H. to o at 3/27/2006 01:32:00 AM

[o] When Eight Trillion Just Isn’t Enough.

A hypothetical situation:
You’re a bit short on cash – you’ve been having some trouble lately, you don’t like to talk about it – but you’ve got some important business items that you must take care of, so you ask a couple friends for some money. You’re not sure exactly how much you’ll need, so you ask several different friends. You promise to pay it all back. Over the course of five years, despite having a bit of extra cash in your pocket but six years ago, you end up owing NINE TRILLION DOLLARS. Just a hypothetical situation, no big deal or anything.

This past Monday, President Bush signed a bill raising the national debt ceiling to $8.965 trillion, about $800 billion greater than the previous debt limit, which was $800 billion more than the debt maximum before that, which was still over seven trillion dollars. No one in this world has ever even seen or had one trillion dollars, let alone the nine that the United States government will ultimately owe the entire fucking universe less than two years from now. Let’s all just hope that Bush has another ace up his sleeve on this one. Or any one. Perhaps he will change the currency to oak leaves.

Shit, that’d just be exciting.

This is the fourth time since the start of the Bush reign that the debt limit has been raised, for a grand total of $3 trillion owed. In case you're wondering, $9 trillion equals out to about $30,000 for every man, woman, and child in the country. That's a brand new Ford Mustang for every US citizen, that's a full college education for every breathing American, that's a lifetime supply of Drumstick®©ª brand ice cream cones for everyone. The kind with the nuts on top. For everyone! Our lord and savior Bill “Probably the Greatest President Ever” Clinton never got this crazy with the cash! Dude just liked the ladies, and just liked his nuts on top; you can’t fault a broham for that one. It seems that Bush tends to be a wee bit more of a spendthrift than Clinton was. The man sees a shiny new Huffy 10-Speed he wants, he buys it. Or he funds a war when we sees a country he wants. Whichever.

Every president's dream!

By raising the national debt ceiling, the government can borrow up to nearly $9 trillion to further pay for the war in Iraq without cutting domestic programs – like Medicare or subsidies to midwestern farms – or raising taxes. Come to think of it…as long as Congress keeps voting to raise it, taxes will never have to be raised! We can borrow and borrow and borrow and spend and spend and spend and war and war and war and war and war forever and ever and ever, amen! And not once will the government ever need to worry about paying any of that money back or just plain not borrowing money from other countries because America will have the highest goddamn debt ceiling of all time! We’ll be invincible! Moreso.

Oh man, politics is so fucking easy! Especially with the Dream Team we’ve got running the floor right now. Honestly, every time the Senate votes directly down party lines on legislation that basically says “Ah, what the hell, what's borrowing a couple hundred billion more?” it’s like watching Shaq pass the rock to Jordan for a wicked dunk from the foul line! Truly, a thing of beauty.

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Posted by Phil to o at 3/23/2006 05:21:00 AM

[o] Operation Maple Sweetness

War. The word evokes images of explosions, battle-worn soldiers, wounded veterans, burning villages, mushroom clouds, cities reduced to dusty rubble, fancy cable news graphics with accompanying dramatic jingles, and politicians condemning terrorists and insurgents while justifying American terror tactics. We are bombarded with pleas to support the troops, support the President, support the spread of democracy, and most recently, the spread of delicious, pure Vermont maple syrup over the pancakes of our hungry soldiers.

Vermont Gov. James Douglas recently visited troops in Kuwait and was horrified to find imitation syrup where he expected a glistening glass bottle of 100% pure Vermont maple syrup. To combat the latest scourge on our troops, the state of Vermont is continuing its support of "Operation Maple Sweetness," a program that takes on the noble cause of sending Vermont's sweet, natural nector of the gods to soldiers overseas.

Eating with the enemy

A spokesperson said that the governor is "very proud of all the maple producers who are contributing to the operation that [they] hope might, one day, eliminate fake syrup all throughout the world." The tyranny of Aunt Jemima will soon come to an end, my friends. That bitch has been terrorizing our breakfast plates for too damn long. My chocolate chip flapjacks and Eggos deserve to be doused in only the purest of syrups.

Terrorist?

As silly as this all sounds, troops that have had a taste of syrup heaven are delighted. The syrup, they say, is a "bright spot" in their day. Now, if you disregard everything you've ever heard about military service, all the horror stories about boot camp and killing people and losing best friends to land mines, and focus on the simple statement that maple syrup is the "bright spot" in a soldier's day, you can join me in concluding that the military, and being in it, fucking sucks.

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Posted by A. Wilson Conrad to o at 3/22/2006 05:38:00 PM

[o] According to Plan

Now all of you here reading this I'm sure are aware of the Presidents 34% approval rating, and we can hold that up and tell ourselves that things are looking good. Reality is though, its really not. We all look forward to those 2006 and 2008 elections and the anticipated majority in the House and Senate that we will hold. But it remains that things are bad, right now, and for the time being, it’s just getting worse.

Republican Senator Mike DeWine on Thursday introduced a bill that would authorize warrantless surveillance for up to 45 days, after which it would be reviewed and renewed by Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, the same man who argued that Presidents Washington and Lincoln used electronic surveillance on enemies in a time of war. Also it would carry up to a $1 million dollar and/or 15-year prison sentence for leaking information on the surveillance activities.

On Sunday we learned that secret U.S. torture sites remained in Iraq, even after Abu Ghraib. Elite Special Operations unit took one of Saddam Hussein's former torture centers near Baghdad Airport and made it their own. They called it the Black Room. "In the windowless, jet-black garage-size room, some soldiers beat prisoners with rifle butts, yelled and spit in their faces and, in a nearby area, used detainees for target practice in a game of jailer paintball," the reporters said. "Placards posted by soldiers at the detention area advised, 'NO BLOOD, NO FOUL.' The slogan, as one Defense Department official explained, reflected an adage adopted by Task Force 6-26: 'If you don't make them bleed, they can't prosecute for it.' According to Pentagon specialists who worked with the unit, prisoners at Camp Nama often disappeared into a detention black hole, barred from access to lawyers or relatives, and confined for weeks without charges. 'The reality is, there were no rules there,' another Pentagon official said.

Not only is warrantless electronic surveillance legal now, but also warrantless physical searches are in the works. To bolster the administrations defense that the surveillance isn’t illegal, they cite that the president has "inherent authority to conduct warrantless physical searches for foreign intelligence purposes."

So how about those Democratic gods swooping in on a chariot to save the day? Senator Russ Feingold made a move to censure President Bush, and his fellow Senators did nothing but discuss that it was going to far, and continued to offer no solution to the President breaking the law. The same Democratic Senators who asked an Iraq war veteran running for election in Ohio, to step aside. Why? He spoke his mind, he had opinions as to what was right and what was wrong. But Schumer said it wasn’t his turn.

And lets also take a look at whets going on with the Espionage Act of 1917, which I did last week, and is gaining much more media attention. Some possible arrests under it:
-Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice could be detained for continuing to publish historical intelligence records on the State Department web site that the CIA has flagged as classified.
-Could thousands of historians and librarians around the country be arrested for retaining and circulating volumes of the State Department's Foreign Relations of the United States (FRUS) series that are now considered to contain classified documents?
And as Jack Shafer of Slate.com pointed out on the ramification of the Espionage Act (the day after I posted my story, might I add):
Any criminal case against the Times would test both Bush's political will and his legal means... The Plame leak investigation and the perjury prosecution of Scooter Libby may have sapped that will. But if Bush imagines himself as Nixon before the fall and of journalists as enemies of the state, it could be "one helluva fight," as Silverglate puts it, "the fight that we never got to see between Nixon and the media."
After all, the government has insisted that when the Act says "whoever" has anything to do with the leaking of the information "Whoever means, 'no matter who', the statute covers 'anyone'."

So, as you can see, even after 89 years these ridiculous constitution killing laws have stayed in effect, enduring change after change of powers in every branch of our government, so what bills purposed and passed in our time will come back to take away more of our rights, get ignored, and leave our grandchildren standing in shit, just like we're standing in shit now? Sleep easy fellow Democrats and fellow Americans, remember, if we just sit on our hands long enough, we're bound to gain something.

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Posted by Anthony S.H. to o at 3/19/2006 08:38:00 PM

[o] We Must Battle For The Approval Of The Gay Community!

It's official: when it comes to Texas, the gays prefer Dallas! And damn if this doesn't get Houston mighty burned up. Dallas, those sneaky fuckers, put a link directly to ideas for gay travel in the "Diverse Dallas!" section of their Convention and Visitors Bureau website. (If you can believe it, Dallas also loves Asians, Blacks, and Hispanics!!) Houston never saw that shit coming and now Dallas has turned homosexuality into a thriving sector of its economy and is about to leave H-Town's cute ass in the gay dust!


Mike Jones just hates it when his native Houston loses valuable gay tourism to Dallas! "AHHH!" says Mike Jones.

The best thing about Dallas' campaign for gay tourism is the webpage for it. After proclaiming that their "Secret is Out!", it goes on to casually mention in capital letters -- although, oddly enough, not rainbow colored -- that it "Smashes All the Stereotypes!" How, do you ask, can they eliminate the oft-mocked stereotypical gays of other queer-capitals? By leaving behind "stereotypes of big-haired women and rowdy cowboys — that is, unless you count sassy drag queens and strapping gay rodeo champs." Oh my, no wonder Houston's losing this race. They're not leaving the old stereotypes fast enough to embrace the newer, hipper stereotypes of 2006! Silly, silly Houston.

I honestly don't know what Houston's advertisers are thinking -- don't they realize that gay travel is a $65 billion per year industry? Don't they see how much cold hard cash they could be making off these people? I'm not so sure that they're even trying, though. When I get to Houston's Convention and Visitors Bureau website, I don't even see a link concerning diversity. Without that link, I'm not sure if they support anybody besides white males, let alone gays, Asains, Blacks, and Hispanics! That's just a bad call on their part.

Although Houston does have a huge gay population, they just don't advertise it! Equally outrageous is that they also don't advertise their Black, Asian or Hispanic populations. Hmm...now that I mention it, neither does Dallas. It's...it's almost as if Dallas is trying to capitalize on the fact that they have any gay people to make money off all the other gay people that they believe are sure to follow. But I'm sure that's not the case. I mean, that would make the Dallas Convention and Visitors Bureau total bastards, and no one wants to be a total bastard. Especially in Texas.


Dallas: A Wonderful Place To Make Money Off Gays But Not Let Them Marry!


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Posted by Phil to o at 3/15/2006 12:16:00 PM

[o] Slick!

Alaska is home to some of the most pristine wildlife areas in North America. But not if BP has anything to do with it!! 267,000 gallons of crude oil leaked onto over two acres of northern Alaskan Tundra near the Prudhoe Bay BP production facilities, making this the largest oil spill in the area. The spill went unnoticed for five days until March 2 when a worker driving through Prudhoe Bay followed his nose which led him straight to the bubblin' crude.

During a press conference yesterday, BP officials said that the over 200,000 gallons of oil oozed through a pin-sized hole that then expanded to at least a quarter of an inch as the oil leaked through it. The hole was along a thirty-four inch pipe that connects to the Trans-Alaskan Pipeline System. After escaping through the hole, the oil slipped under the radar and settled beneath the snow without tripping the alarm system. Just like Mission Impossible.

Much of the pipeline was built in the 1970's, which really wasn't all that long ago. The recent leak fuels environmentalists' concerns over the stability and strength of the pipeline that stretches across Alaska. This latest spill is one of the worst , ranking among the other notorious spills of the 1970's and 80's. The most memorable of which is the 11 million gallon Exxon-Valdez spill that polluted Prince William Sound in 1989. And in 2001, a hunter's misfire caused a 285,000 gallon leak. It appears that Vice President Dick Cheney was not behind the rifle on that particular accident.

Maureen Johnson, senior VP for BP at Prudhoe Bay, stated that last year's inspections revealed corrosion along the pipeline, but the company pulled a Bush and sat on its ass. Johnson went on the say that recent investigations show a much more rapid breakdown and deterioration, meaning that the corrosion that caused the leak was happening much faster than could be detected. "We had no reason to suspect that this pipeline was going to leak." Johnson said. I'm going to have to use that next time I destroy something by ignoring a problem I could fix. It's seems to be a popular and forgivable offense these days.

Crews are currently cleaning the mess, vacuuming and digging up the slushy oil-snow. So far there is no word about the extent of the damage to the environment.

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Posted by amira to o at 3/15/2006 09:14:00 AM

[o] Choo Choo.

So yesterday Miss Deaf Texas Tara McAvoy was killed by a train. To paraphrase the great Slick Rick, this isn't actually funny, so try not to laugh. She was walking by the tracks just as a Union Pacific -- repeatedly sounding its horn, according to a witness -- when she was struck by the train's snowplow. She did have some place to be, but the question you just have to wonder is, why would she walk by the train tracks? This still isn't funny...just so you know. Irony's fucked up.

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Posted by Phil to o at 3/14/2006 03:48:00 PM

[o] Quotes and quotes and quotes

“When I got back from Iraq a little while ago, I went down to see the president, and I sat with the president, and he kept talking about terrorists. And I said, ‘Mr. President, if every single al-Qaeda personality, every single al-Qaeda operative or anyone like him tomorrow were blown away, you still have a war, Mr. President. This is well beyond terrorists.’ There’s an insurgency, Tim, a gigantic insurgency that has nothing to do with terrorists.“ - Senator Joe Biden on March 12, 2006

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Posted by Conrad Wilson to o at 3/13/2006 12:04:00 PM

[o] What First Amendment?

In 1917 a law was passed by Woodrow Wilson--a man who praised the racist film The Birth of a Nation, and reversed the racially progressive atmosphere of the early 1900s. The Espionage Act of 1917 prohibits "communication of national defense information to persons not entitled to receive it." But not that alone: as it is written the Espionage Act is a complete sweep, so much so that it is incomprehensible that it even exists. As Harold Edgar and Benno C. Schmidt, Jr. wrote in a definitive study three decades ago ("The Espionage Statutes and Publication of Defense Information," Columbia Law Review, May 1973, vol. 73, pp. 929-1087) "If these statutes mean what they seem to say and are constitutional, public speech in this country since World War II has been rife with criminality."

Simply put, anyone who has anything to do with a document that is leaked, can be prosecuted. Because of this ambiguity, "We have lived since World War I in a state of benign indeterminacy about the rules of law governing defense secrets." But that doesn't mean the law is toothless: in 1985 Samuel L. Morison was jailed for giving classified satellite photos to Jane's Defense Weekly. President Clinton in 2001 pardoned Morrisson after being asked by Senator Daniel P. Moynihan. In 1998, Senator Moynihan's letter to President Clinton included an observation by Dr. Edgar and Dr. Schmidt, that when the Espionage Act was introduced in 1917 it included a provision, sought by President Wilson, authorizing government censorship of the press. Congress rejected the provision.

So why tell this piece of history? Well I'm sure its obvious what I'm hinting at: the NSA illegal wiretapping and the Valerie Plame leak. Even if the administration is in the wrong on these issues (which it is ), they could use the Espionage Act to muddy the issue, charging those in the press who uncovered these stories of government wrong-doing in the first place. Basically, the same tactic the Bush administration has used since day one: never admit mistakes and blame everyone else. However, the 1917 Espionage Act is so completely insane and wide-reaching that members of the administration could also be tried under it for leaking state secrets in the Plame case, if anyone bothered to try.

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Posted by Anthony S.H. to o at 3/12/2006 08:25:00 PM

[o] New lows for the President and I

We all know that life is about popularity contests. The popular kids at school always get the prime pussy, the popular kids in the office always get the huge raises and promotions, and the popular kids (God bless their hearts and support them, for Christ's sake!) in the US military get first dibs on sodomizing suspected terrorists with baseball bats. President Bush was popular once, and he got away with a whole lot of bullshit because of it. The American people were scared out of their minds that the terrorists were going to crawl out of their toilets like the Goulies and scratch off our collective scrotum. Bush stood firm and assured us that with his leadership, we were safe... but not that safe. We would need to make sacrifices, give up some civil liberties, start a war in an uninvolved country, and unilaterally destroy our credibility as a nation that is honestly trying to improve the world (Editor's note: We lost that credibility years ago).

Terrorist

Now that his popularity has plummeted to an all time low, has he taken a step back to think, "Hmm, I wonder where I went wrong. Why do all these people think I'm on the wrong path? Why is the Republican party itself rebelling against me? Should I rethink some of my policies?" The answer, my friends, is HELL NAW!

This isn't a President willing to pussy-foot around worrying about "whether or not people in the classroom are going to say nice things about" him. No way! This President says, "that's not leading." This President knows that "you can't be a good decision-maker if you're trying to please people. You've got to stand on what you believe, that's what you've got to do." When the fuck has this President ever been a good decision maker? His strategic plan for Iraq looks like it was drafted by Elmer Fudd and abstinence-only sexual education teaches kids that condoms don't work so when they break their abstinence-until-marriage pledge, which 88% of them inevitably do, they break it without any protection. And pretty soon, no one will be there to abort their "faith-based" mistake. My advice is to get on E-Trade ASAP and buy up as much stock in Wire Hangers, Inc. as you can afford! This year is going to be HOT for them, I swear!

Anyway, the point is that being a good leader does not mean ignoring the people who you are leading. Good leaders take into consideration the complaints of the people they lead. Good leaders reflect on their mistakes so as not to make them again. Bush is not a good leader but he is an easy target, and safe bet for this website, which is why I chose to write this article instead of the other one I had in mind. Oh, I'll write that one soon enough, you just wait. For now, join with me in Bush bashing because it's so easy, so right, and so very satisfying. Mmmmm, it's like shooting up a mix of heroin, crack cocaine, and nicotine. Ohhh, yeahhh, I have noooo idea how to end thisssss. Ohhhh yeahhhhhhhhh.

Pure, unadulterated Bush hatin'

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Posted by Conrad Wilson to o at 3/10/2006 01:42:00 PM

[o] Roe v. Wade for Dudes?

Even as abortion rights are under attack in such forward-thinking places as South Dakota, it appears a group of US 'Male Rights' activists are gearing up for what they are calling their own version of Roe v. Wade. Yes, rather than fight for the right of men to have abortions, these Men's Libbers are fighting for the right not to pay child support. How very righteous of them.

The case involves a man who says his ex-girlfriend had his child after telling him she could not get pregnant. He says that she went on have the baby, despite knowing that he did not want to have a child with her because, in his words, "she a crazy bitch." Of course, having an enormous heart, the man wanted nothing to do with his new child and certainly did not want to divert any of his beer money to helping fund the little bastard's development. The National Center for Men is expected to use to the case to argue that fathers do not have an obligation to pay money towards raising a child they did not want. Especially if that kid is an ugly.

Please love me, daddy?

Male activists, who have dubbed the case 'Roe v. Wade for Men' say that dude-bros like themselves should have the same rights as women in dealing with the consequences of unintended pregnancy--what, like giving birth, breastfeeding, and carrying a living thing inside their stomach for the better part of a year? Women's and children's groups have, of course, criticised the case. Party poopers.--
Posted by exadore to o at 3/09/2006 09:43:00 AM

[o] Awww, Poor Congress!

I'll tell you what, those members of Congress have got it made. They get to do so many sweet things! Like write bills and discuss legislature and sing songs from all the America-themed episodes of School House Rock. Barack Obama's favorites include "The Great American Melting Pot," "The Preamble," and "Sufferin' Til Suffrage." But not "I"m Just A Bill." It is so cliche. But Rick Santorum likes it, because he really is just that lame. Santorum never gets invited to the sweet Congressional parties. He's such a dick!

Obama, most likely debating on how awesome "The Preamble" is.

But back to the issue at hand. The House of Representatives and the Senate are each taking breaks this month. For St. Patrick's Day. Ten days for the House and eight for the Senate. For St. Patrick's Day. Shhhh... don't talk. Just think about it. The House is out from the 17th to the 27th, while the Senate has from the 18th to the 26th to just go out and get fucking nuts. The actual reason cited for this recess is that, according to Rep. Jo Bonner of Alabama, "an eight-, nine-, or ten-week run" of continuous Congress-ing before the spring break "affects mental-being" and tends to be unfair to families. That, and right around this pre-break period, there just aren't enough excuses to sit around and not lead the country. I mean, fuck if that doesn't just get boring! So, after their week to pretend that they're all family-oriented and good people, the members return for two weeks until another two week spring break in April SPRING BREAK '06 YEAH!!!!

You would not believe all the crazy shit that the members of Congress have got in store for the St. Patrick's Day break, though. Luckily, I managed to sneak a quick peak at an itinerary of group activities, which just happened to be immaculately detailed. That's just how Congress rolls. Needless to say, the annual St. Patrick's Day Kongress Kegger will go off without a hitch, now that they won't have to do any of that pesky legislatin' the next day! That's a plus. Unfortunately, Washington state Senator Maria Cantwell will almost certainly end up table-dancing topless, and that'll be weird. Again.

Stone Cold Freak.

You name it, it'll be going on during the Great Congressional St. Patrick's Day Recess of 2006, as it'll almost certainly come to be known. Senators engaging in torrid affairs with House Representatives! Reps doing cocaine off their hotel TVs! Barbara Boxer starting some crazy rumors about one wild night with Orrin Hatch back in ought-three! Abortions all around, before they're banned forever! They'd better hurry, though, 'cause South Dakota's already trying to ruin all the fun!!

Ah yes, this will almost certainly be the most excellent St. Patrick's Day recess of all time - if Rick Santorum doesn't spoil it first.

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I just learned something else new! According to FX's new race-swap series "Black. White." all I have to do to truly understand the strength of racial tension in present-day America is dress up in blackface, and then eat at KFC, worship at one of those craaazy Southern Baptist Churches, and wear a dashiki all around town. You know, like black people do!

Ted Danson, a very tasteful man.

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Posted by Phil to o at 3/08/2006 12:30:00 PM

[o] Bushes Strike Back: Dubbya and Laura head to New Orleans again.

Well, I originally posted a great article about the declining white population of the New York Metropolitan area but, when you steal internet connection, things are pretty shoddy.

Watch out! Bush is back at it performing presidential duties. He swooped down to New Orleans for the tenth time since Katrina today. Now, it's no secret that Bush isn't so hot these days, because after all there was no one to bomb after Katrina. Today's trip is an effort to shift the public's eye to the good things he's doing for the Gulf Coast, like a $19.8 billion Congressional request to help rebuild. Wait, when did Katrina hit? August 29. It is March 8, 2006 and there is still a request sitting in Congress. (Not to mention unused FEMA trailers in Arkansas.)

Slow rebuilding progress, recent video of Bush being briefed the day before Katrina about the levees failing, and Bush's overall incompentence have made 2006 a doozy for the Bush Administration. Perhaps this visit is not an attempt to boost the Gulf coast but an attempt to boost poor approval ratings.

Of course Bush managed to squeeze in a stop in Crawford, TX on his way to New Orleans. Quail hunting anyone?

During their visit, Lady Bush pushed her new form of educational crack from the Laura Bush Foundation. Now is just the right time to renovate public school libraries, after more than six months of reading mildewed Charlotte's Webs or nothing at all. Lady Bush saves the day! Obviously her approval rating is WAY up, she smiles so pretty.

In other disappointing Katrina news, Britney Federline-Spears made a surprise visit last week to a group of teenage fans. The girls prepared for that they thought would be an opportunity to voice their concerns about the aftermath but instead that got an eyeful o' Britney! YES!! Instead of talking about issues at hand, Britney signed of some things, took some photos, and probably ate fried chicken with the teens. What a relief, for a minute there I thought Brit was going to talk about things that mattered. (Remember that scene in Fahrenheit 9/11 where she is chewing gum, wearing a blonde wig and saying we should trust ole Bushy? Yeah, well this is the same broad who goes into public restrooms barefoot and rides around in her SUV with her infant on her lap. Quality.)



And that's all she wrote.
Happy Wednesday from Woodside, NY.

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Posted by amira to o at 3/08/2006 05:32:00 AM

[o] Best of 05

Check out our Best (and Worst) of 2005 list, and then click on 'comments' below this and start fights with us for dissing your favorite album.

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Posted by exadore to o at 3/06/2006 01:43:00 PM

[o] Oscars!

Finally, the day hollywood liberals have waited all to long for has come. Now I'm not one of those people that really cares how anyone looks, but I'm as close to Hollywood this site will ever get, so lets go to the preshow! Joan Rivers: old hag and now racist Skeletor managed to call an Asian crew worker Mexican, then when he corrected her as to his ethnicity her reply was "Arigato, whatever, same thing." She then talked of how everyone is so racially blind, and pointed out the "standard black man" working on her crew. I swear im not makeing this shit up, it left me in tears.

A plethora of other little facts were shared on the red carpet as well. Jamie Foxx? Really not much of a bowler. Keira Knightly? She ate french toast and maple syrup for lunch that day (can you believe it?). Also, the gift bags. Simply put, everyone at the show gets thousands of dollars worth of swag. Presenters bags contained $100,000 worth of shit like free weekends in luxurious places and cashmere blankets, silk komonos and espresso machines. And among the more noteable bags are the ones given to nominees, losers, and the eco-friendly (and alot of celebrities did show up in hybrids). It was the equity in my house, given away in a bag.

Now, on to the show! My boy, and openly liberal Daily Show host, Jon Stewart was the host for the evening. He didnt exactly blow anyone's mind but he certainly didn't bomb either. Maybe he's the next Billy Crystal. Everyone involved with the movie Crash alone took up half the theatre. And was it ever a Clooney love fest, as he won best supporting actor, and had people even thanking him for sitting next to them at luncheons. Its become all to apparent that Clooney owns Hollywood, and we desperately need him to run for office. Imagine it, California Governer George Clooney. Who could insult Clooney? Look at that smile, its so white it could blind an Eskimo!

The rest of the awards were pretty predictable. Best Original Score went to Brokeback Mountain, with its haunting number. Best actress went to Reese Witherspoon in the white version of Ray. Best Actor went to my boy Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who grew up near me in Fairport, NY. Still no suprises as Ang Lee won best director for Brokeback Mountain, or as its known in Turkey Faggot Cowboys. And then best picture: Crash. Now dont get me wrong, Crash was great, moving, all that. But seriously? Crash? Ludacris was in it! Capote was certainly better than that, and Munich was far and away better. So theres your gigantic suprise. I nearly choked on one of my delicious, newly invented hyrbid Hot-sauce-and-BBQ-sauce wings. Nearly!

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Posted by Anthony S.H. to o at 3/05/2006 05:47:00 PM