If you've been paying attention, you've already read my award-winning essay on Radiohead's Kid A, submitted to David Barker's 33 1/3 "Under 21" essay contest back in June, and just recently posted here on the good ol' BBW. Please, take a seat, enjoy a fine glass of whatever swill you've got nearby, and listen closely to the dulcet sounds of John Mayer actually doing something good for once. His cover of Radiohead's "Kid A" is, embarassingly enough, what persuaded me to not hate Kid A's easily hate-able electronic ass. Which you would know if you had read the feature I assume you already read.

John Mayer - Kid A
Radiohead - Kid A

[o] Everybody's Talking 'bout The Stormy Weather.

It truly is a beautiful age we live in! I just can't get over how wonderful it is to be alive in this wonderful year 2006! Not a care in the world! For example, take a look at some of the latest headlines: TOM AND KATIE HAD A BABY GIRL!!! Oh my, how long I have waited for baby Suri Cruise-Holmes (a.k.a. TomKitten how cute!!) to grace this wonderful world with her presence. And in a hotly-ironic twist, Brooke Shields had a baby girl on the same day! She named it Grier. No, seriously.

I guess 2006 is just the totally hot year for celebrities far past their primes to have kids and give them funny-sounding names. Ahhh, who am I kidding? It's ages like these that you just have to wish for the simpler life of Terri Schiavo circa late 2004. Ahhh, the good ol' days, when the threat of a September 11th movie starring Nicholas Cage was merely a terrible, terrible idea, rather than a completed movie with a poster.


Too soon? Read on!


But alas, there is no such thing as "too soon" anymore. If Universal Pictures can release a film about a devastating national tragedy as written by the man who directed "The Bourne Identity" (fucking awesome car chases!!), I'm allowed to crack on a controversial (see: retarded) dead chick. Who really thinks that this is a good idea? I mean, sure it sounds like Great Hollywood Gold on paper, but in execution it honestly comes off as the most disturbing, distasteful and all-around wrong idea for a movie. Ever.

So naturally, why not make two? Why not make two movies about September 11th? Don't you think that would be the best course of action in dealing with the images of suffering and terror that have pervaded every home in America? Of course! Because that's American! And even better, get a huge pretentious douche to direct one of them and spread his overzealous craziness all over it! Oliver Stone? Perfect! Oooooh, but who can star...I know! Nicholas Cage, Stephen Dorff and Maggie Gyllenhaal!! Hollywood wins again. A++.


Portrait of a hero -- complete with heroic moustache!


With any luck, the Hurricane Katrina movie won't be far behind. Hurricane Katrina Movie Dream Cast!!: The Wayans Brothers (every single hilarious one of them), Antonio Banderas, Jon Heder, and Denis Leary as embattled citizens of New Orleans, Kiefer Sutherland as a tougher-talking, louder, and angrier but just as ineffective characterization of FEMA chief Michael Brown, Morgan Freeman as black-everyman and chocolate city enthusiast Mayor Ray Nagin, and Chris Tucker as Kanye West. And of course it's directed by the Wachowski Brothers, so you know there's gonna be maaaaadd crazy Matrix moves by the hurricane! YES! Now go ahead and make your very own cast and post them up on the message board!

Oh my, I seem to have digressed from the original point. In all seriousness, it is an amazing time to be alive. Unfortunately, all this silly bullshit seems to always get in the way of my basking in the unquestionable glory of the internet, internet porn, and millions of free titties. For example, gas costs three dollars again. Yeah, I missed those days, too. But hey, at least we ain't in Europe. It's somewhere between four and six dollars in any given country overseas. Bitches! But I read today that it's only fourteen cents in Venezuela. Oh, by the way, NO ONE GOES PLACES IN VENEZUELA. But I guess it's pretty cool for the media to taunt us like there's still hope for America. And its gas prices. But you know there ain't none. Fuck.

(I've got nothing against Venezuelans. There's an amazing little Venezuelan diner in Philadelphia at 941 Spring Garden St. called Sazon. They're good people, check it out when you're in Philadelphia. New Bornbackwards slogan: Better Than Zagat's!)


I heart Venezuela and its diners.

But you know me (really, you do) and you know I hate to be a downer. So let us give brief thanks to the things that they can't ever take away from us. Like our First Amendment rights. Like the very liberty that this country was founded upon. Like Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation, which was included in the Library of Congress' National Recording Registry last week. Now all of that would make a mighty fine movie. Of course, Morgan Freeman would still have to be involved somehow. Now, I think he'd make a phenomenal black man in power. It just came to me. I know, I really ought to write for Hollywood.

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Posted by Phil to o at 4/06/2006 07:32:00 AM

[o] Intolerance Now!

(Disclaimer: Not all Christians are fucking bastards like the ones depicted below. I just want you to know that, because, well, these people are really huge assholes.)

Now that racism has been extinct for like 100 years and women's tits are 100% equal to men, there's a new civil rights struggle going on right under our noses: the fight to be intolerant.

Finally equal to a man.

Conservative Christians are fighting for their right to bring their hatred of homosexuals out of the church and into the mainstream, and the fight is starting where all civil rights struggles swell and gain momentum - the college campus.

Ruth Malhotra, a student at the Georgia Institute of Technology, believes that her school's tolerance policy infringes on her right to religious expression. You see, according to her faith, she must speak out against homosexuals because they are not a part of God's plan or some bullshit like that. In her mind, "Fuck you, faggot!" is right up there with Jesus's Sermon on the Mount (AKA the teachings that a lot of Christians, especially those with political motivations, tend to either forget or twist for political gain).

But Malhotra is not alone. An increasing number of religious organizations including the Christian Legal Society, Focus on the Family, Campus Crusade for Christ, and the law firms they support are engaging in a campaign to remove anti-harassment policies that protect gays and other minorities. But don't get them wrong, this isn't at all like racism. In fact, Christian activist Gregory S. Baylor gets downright angry when he's compared with racists. To him, sexual orientation is different because you can't choose to be born a subservient woman or negro, but you can choose to "head down to brown town," if you know what I mean. And I think you do! Cause I'm talking about buttsex.

Says Baylor," Think how marginalized racists are. If we don't address this now, it will only get worse." He's right. Those racists really got a bum deal. I remember the good old days when you could lynch a negro on your front lawn and so many people would show up that you just had to throw a party! Oh! The iced tea was delicious!

This is my religion.

When pressed to expand on his instruction to think about the marginalized racists, Baylor became flushed and blurted out, "We don't want to be marginalized like those racists! We want our hate to be mainstream!" He then regained composure, adjusted his tie and said, "I'm sorry. I just... You know, I just really hate faggots. Is that so wrong?" No, Gregory, that's not wrong at all.

Malhotra also wrote a letter to the gay activists who organized Coming Out Week at her school. In the letter she calls Pride Alliance, a campus gay rights group, a "sex club... that can't even manage to be tasteful." And also, "If gays want to be tolerated, they should knock off the political propaganda."

Molhotra refuses to see the irony in the fact that people don't seem to want to tolerate her and her political propaganda, though she's felt the effects. She is now afraid to speak freely about hating homosexuals and every time she opens her mouth she's told, "You're being intolerant, you're being negative, you're creating a hostile campus environment." Man, intolerance really sucks, doesn't it Ruth? It's a good thing your lifestyle choice involves hatred and condemnation, just like Jesus taught. Trust me, it's in the Bible.

Speaking of the Bible, let's not forget that Judas kissed Jesus and that makes him totally gay. Also, there's been some recent discoveries that are now being investigated by the Catholic church. One of these discoveries involves the personal journal of Mary Magdalene. In it, she writes of Jesus' last words, whispered in his dying breath: "Please, Mary... tell the world...I absolve humanity of all sin...Everyone is forgiven... Except the faggots... Fuck...them...guhhhhh."

"Tell Judas to quit being such a fag..."

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Posted by A. Wilson Conrad to o at 4/12/2006 04:44:00 PM

[o] The Worst Dilemma Of All Time

I have got a big problem: I love porn! Now I know what you must be saying: "Phil, I was looking at porn no less than fourteen seconds ago, what's the problem with that??" The answer: I love Jesus, too! Now, I didn't even see this as a problem until I was introduced to XXXChurch.com, the self-proclaimed #1 Christian porn website. But do not be fooled, XXX Church isn't really a porn site. It's an anti-porn site, filled with all sorts of little online pamphlets and pledges and blogs, oh my! Lawdy lawdy, I was saved! You can imagine my initial reaction when I thought I had found '#1 Christian porn website', though. Once I realized there was no nuns smut, I felt betrayed though I must admit that calling it "CrushYourBoner.com" would simply deter those who need XXX Church's hope the most: fervid God-fearing porn watchers, like myself.

But what the porn-loving congregation does love is a bible with "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" stamped on the cover. Unfortunately -- and rather inexplicably, I'd say -- bible publishers across the nation aren't so gung-ho on the idea. The American Bible Society recently denied XXX Church's order of 10,000 of those bibles. Though bible-makers may say "No!" to porno, somewhere in their crazy, Christ-centric minds, they must know that a bible emblazoned with a slogan that is both pro-religion and pro-porn is a hot seller. Goddamn, I don't think I'll ever understand organized religion. Or book publishing.

Let us not forget Mary Magdalene, hot sexy symbol of ancient Judeah.

The ABS canceled the order because it felt the message was "misleading for the New Testament" and "not exactly the image that the church is going for right now...I mean, we're all about adults and all, that kid stuff was just a phase. Seriously, like, we could totally do it if we wanted to...we just don't want to." Obviously, the head poobahs of the Council of Bibledom did not fully acquaint themselves with the ins and outs of XXXChurch.com. Did they not see the free "X3 accountability software"? It's all about the guilt, man! The program is like having your mother walk in on you mid-stroke: it tells you every time that you look at porn, so you can feel bad about yourself afterwards. The Catholic church ought to be eating this shit up! Or maybe they missed the three facts?

"1. We all love to look at nude women.
2. We have all looked at nude women.
3. We all know where we can find pictures of nude women.
The question is what are you going to do about the facts. We can simply accept the facts and give in to our flesh or we can live a life of integrity and avoid the pitfalls and traps of Internet pornography. This is every man's battle."

True story, that shit gets me every day! WTF church, where are you on this!? There's even a campaign to help you curb your masturbating habit, "Operation Save the Kittens." I think it's a play on that line from that catchy Nat King Cole classic, "Every Time You Masturbate, God Kills A Kitten." Pretty sure.

Probably not supported by XXX Church, but still rather useful.

What took me so long to discover this greatness, this godsend, this gift of gifts? Thank you XXX Church! Your innovative Porn Sunday has provided for so many super-awkward Sunday sermons across the nation! And the NOHO Pledge? Quite simply, it is life-changing. If you're a ho who happens to wish to become a devout Christian, that is. The best part? You can take this oath right at home!

"I (state your name) promise to the best of my ability not to dress, buy clothes or act like a Ho...I know that God desires me to glorify him in all things and I realize that by dressing like a Ho, I only desire to give glory to me, not God. I also know boys have a problem with sexual things and I know that by not dressing like a Ho, I can be a part of the solution, not the problem!"

Like I always say, the boys, they just can't help it. The women are the problem! They shouldn't be looking so damn fine if they don't want me to touch. Naturally.

On the other hand, you might have heard about the XXX Church back in the '04, when their child-aimed porn-awareness character, Pete the Porno Puppet, gained them a bit of notoriety. There was a fucked up commercial, some local TV spots, a few magazine articles, a Daily Show segment, and an appearance on the 700 Club, which only aired because they told a doubtful Pat Robertson -- who said "Jesus wouldn't go to a porn show" -- that "Jesus wouldn't host the 700 Club." True. But Pat Robertson can talk to God, so I guess it doesn't really matter what a couple of dude-bro ministers from California think--ones who can actually talk to kids, or people in general, without scaring them away. You know, I bet Pat Robertson is talking to God right now! Gotta love them adorable insane/clairvoyant/homophobic/racist/money-hungry television Evangelists. Really, you do. Otherwise, God smites you because they tattle on you. They're such whining pussy babies.

Dreamy!



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Posted by Phil to o at 4/06/2006 07:32:00 AM

[o] The Time When Unicorns are Born.

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. Make a wish, because you won't get another Unicorn birthday for the next five years 11:11 on 11/11/11.

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Posted by exadore to o at 4/04/2006 12:55:00 PM

[o] Castration Dungeon

A house simply isn't a home until you've converted it into a sadomasochistic dungeon. The leather and steel accessories, the screams coming from down the hall, and the faint scent of blood really make one feel at ease. And everyone knows that there's no better way to keep up with the Joneses than to make your dungeon the most far-out extreme den of horror imaginable--the kind that'd really make the neighbors' jealous. It's sort of like competing with Christmas displays, only your canvas wouldn't be twinkling lights and inflatable Santas but flesh and human suffering.

And that's just what three men were arrested for in rural North Carolina, where these sorts of things always seem to happen. The men have been charged with performing castrations in their home, aka their sadomasochistic den of torture. Now I know what you're thinking--that ... is so ... hot.

All of those castrated were willing participants, because who wouldn't want to have their genitals cut off? Some of the victims... um, participants... um, sexy eunuchs may even have come from as far away as South America. Being a world-renowned den of misery is sure to make the neighbor's green with envy.

This wasn't the first time the police were called to this particular dungeon though. Sheriff's raided the house in 2004 on reports of sadomasochistic acts, but left upon realizing that all of the participants appeared to be willing adults having the time of their lives as they were being cut with razor-blades and having steel spheres forced up their rectums. When police started hearing rumors of illegal surgeries occurring at the house, they returned and, sure enough, found medical supplies that included scalpels, sutures, bandages, anesthetic and artificial replacement testicles. Which leads me to wonder, what the fuck are replacement testicles?! Marbles? Ball bearings? Cashews? Tennis balls? Grapes? Gushers®© brand fruit snacks?!

A quick Google Image search cleared up that mystery

Videotaping equipment was also found at the dungeon, including video recordings of the castrations. The recordings were "totally fucking sexy" according to sheriff's officials, and many of the photos and videos were featured on a locally produced sadomasochistic Web site. Bornbackwards.com denies any involvement whatsoever and police say the site is no longer a suspect but remains a 'person of interest.'

The castrated victims are said to be "relieved of their terrible testicular burden," and cite the operation as a life-changer. "Now I can return to a normal life, no longer ashamed that I have a penis. Plus, it was so sexy when they cut that thing off. The blood, oh god the blood...," one said. Despite their humanitarian services to these men, each of the three dungeon owners faces 10 felony counts--five each of castration without malice and conspiracy to commit castration without malice--as well as eight misdemeanor counts of performing medical acts without a license. The oldest of the dungeon owners was 61 years old, which begs the question, "How'd you like yer pecker cut off by Grandpa, ya whippersnapper?"

Even if I wanted to be castrated I would never let have this man near my genitals. He's has a mullet.

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Posted by exadore to o at 4/04/2006 10:14:00 AM