If you've been paying attention, you've already read my award-winning essay on Radiohead's Kid A, submitted to David Barker's 33 1/3 "Under 21" essay contest back in June, and just recently posted here on the good ol' BBW. Please, take a seat, enjoy a fine glass of whatever swill you've got nearby, and listen closely to the dulcet sounds of John Mayer actually doing something good for once. His cover of Radiohead's "Kid A" is, embarassingly enough, what persuaded me to not hate Kid A's easily hate-able electronic ass. Which you would know if you had read the feature I assume you already read.

John Mayer - Kid A
Radiohead - Kid A

[o] Justice Served, Totally Street Dance Moves Yet To Be Seen

Oh my, long time no see, Internet. How've you been? Well, I hope? No no, don't bother explaining, I don't really care. Just kidding brah. No really. Please, don't leave...I need you.

Excuse me, I got emotional again. But you have to understand, I always get this way when I lose a good friend. Oh Ken Lay, why?! Why did you do it?! I know times were getting rough, but you know you can come to me for money! Kenny Boy, I'm gonna miss you.

So in case you haven't already heard -- or guessed from my clearly unsettled tone -- Enron founder Kenneth Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling were both found guilty of fraud and conspiracy earlier today. They were accused of misleading stockholders and employees of the actual financial standing of the Enron corporation, all while taking a nice slice of the dwindling profits for themselves. Clever! But alas, it was not meant to be. Lay was found guilty on six counts of fraud and conspiracy, and then four more counts of fraud and false statements. Skilling was found guilty on nineteen counts of fraud, conspiracy, false statements and insider trading, but not guilty on nine other counts, which included insider trading for whiney pussy bitches. See, there's a positive side to everything! Yay positivity!!

Ain't no bitch.

If you're totally devestated by this news, chin up! They'll be fine! So Kenny might be in prison for a measly couple decades, and Jeffy will probably be in one for the rest of his natural life -- so what! Hey, maybe their appeals will pull through and they'll be acquitted on all counts! Hahaha, just joshing, that would be terrible. But to really keep positive, you must pay no mind to those celebrating this triumph of the American judicial system against corporations and corruption or the recent re-emergence of people with opinions speaking out loud. Instead, you need to look towards the future. It's not like they'll end up in some some federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Probably. So that's pretty relieving.

So to backtrack a little, Skilling and Lay were on trial for misleading the entire world on the status of Enron's ability to conceive children. And also make any kind of money. The company's surprise bankruptcy in late 2001 put 4,000 employees out of work and cost investors billions of dollars. Most employees also lost their life savings, which is pretty fucked up. We all know how badly little Jessie needed that new leg. But instead we were all forced to watch the old one rot. Don't judge, you'd be just as bad of a parent as I am if your hideously gangrenous 35-year-old adopted transsexual son needed an operation. Yeah, thanks a lot Enron!

Although eight other executives were investigated, they pussied out and testified against their number one dude-brahs. Obviously, they were never ones to take heed of the number one rule of the Unspoken Code of The Playground: No Snitching! They claimed that Lay and Skilling purposefully created an atmosphere in which stock prices and image were always top priority. Skilling, known for his harsh temper, claimed that they "moms was bangin' in the sack last night" and that one particular witness' testimony was "some fuckin' bullllshit!" Lay sat quietly, but one witness was positive that Lay had flipped him off at least twice during his time on the stand.

My interpretation of Kenneth Lay taking the witness oath as Ice Cube circa 1992 - "What? Fuck yeah I'ma tell the truth! What'chu think I am, some kinda liar or some shit?"

So Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling are fucked. Figuratively, of course. Whether or not there's any literal fucking will be known soon enough. ZZZZZZAP!

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Posted by Phil to o at 5/25/2006 06:36:00 AM

[o] Saddam the Artist

Saddam Hussein is a power-mad genocidal rapist killer now on trial for war-crimes against humanity (specifically the humanity of our president's dear dad). But did you know that he is also a sensitive writer? Don't be shocked, Hitler was a vegitarian painter, after all.

Recently published in Japan is Saddam's latest novel, smuggled out of Iraq by one of his daughters on the eve of war. Glad to see that art was one of his priorities as the United States shocked and awed the bejessus out of him and everyone else in the country. Saddam is not expected to embark on a book signing tour any time soon.

"Who should I make it out to? Your sister? What's her name? Mohammed? Umm ... ok then. 'To my dearest Mohammed, Love Saddam.'"

Saddam is always one to think up a snappy title or name, after all he is known as the Butcher of Baghdad, a name he decided to use because it was a 'really cool nickname, like T-Bone, or something,' that would 'strike fear into the pitiful hearts of my Halo 2 opponents on X-Box Live.' In keeping with this tradition, the name of his novel translates as the very snappy and memoriable title of Get Out of Here, Curse You. Unfortunately the editors in Japan took a few of their own creative liberties and changed the title to the far inferior title of Devil's Dance.

The novel, believed to be written just before the 2003 US invasion of Iraq, is set in tribal times and involves an Arab tribesman who defeats foreign invaders. Chapter titles include: "The Foreigner Who Sold the Tribes," "Retaliatory Tactics" and "The Burning of the Twin Towers." The tribal warefare presented in the book is said to accurately respresent the civil strife happening in Iraq today. Although only just published in Japan, bootlegs of the novel have already become a best-seller in Amman. Meanwhile, Jordan has banned the book, claiming it would hurt relations with Iraq.

The cover of Get Out of Here, Curse You in Amman.

The most suprising aspect of all this, is that Get Out of Here, Curse You is not Saddam Hussein's first novel! The dictator has been credited with writing several other works before this. Attempting to besmirch Saddam's good name, several Iraqi writers and intellectuals said after his overthrow that the books were written by a committee. So what? So were John Kennedy's books.

Itsuko Hirata, the Japanese journalist and translator to whom Saddam's daughter delivered the book, believes that Get Out of Here, Curse You was written by Saddam himself because it has a different tone and 'melodic clarity' than his other works. Hirata believes it could be adapted to the stage. "I really think this book should be made into a musical," she said. "And once this is done, it should play in the heart of his enemy's country, on Broadway." Wouldn't that be ironic?! Oh wait, I think that's what she was going for.

The book faces some stiff competition though, the translation of the latest
Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, by former dictator JK Rowling, was released in Japan during the same week.

A working title for Saddam's next novel has already been revealed, Real-life Spiderman: My Life in the Spiderhole. He has said it will be influenced by the mystery-thrillers of Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code.

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Posted by exadore to o at 5/21/2006 06:47:00 AM

[o] Karma and Keith Richards

I can't be the only one who feels like Keith Richards has struck some kind of deal with the devil. Of all the rock stars who should be dead already--and there are many (Ozzy Osbourne, Brian Wilson, Iggy Pop, and purely on principle: Roger Daltry, Bon Jovi, and John Lydon, Grace Slick, etc)--Keith Richards is the most notorious. Sure, Ian Curtis hangs himself before his band even gets popular but Keith Richards gets to keep on touring with the Stones until the sun dies. What kind of justice is that?

There are so many opportunities where Keith Richards could and should have died over the years but the man just keeps shambling along somehow. In 1998, he broke three ribs and punctured a lung falling from a ladder while reaching for a book in his library. Shoulda been dead. In 1990, one of his fingers got infected after he punctured it on a guitar string. Shoulda died. But in both cases, the worst that happened was that the Stones were forced to postpone concerts.

Surely the man has taken enough drugs over the years to OD at least 10 to 15 times. So what went wrong? I'm sure that dead bandmate Brian Jones is sitting in hell and cursing his poor luck while 10,000 tiny demons lick his anus and testicles with flaming tongues. Meanwhile Keith Richards is allowed to roam the Earth until global warming makes it an uninhabitable wasteland.

Richards even looks like a walking skeleton, like death incarnate. You can literally see the corpse dust float out of his joints as they grind together in a pathetic parody of living human motion. However, it appears that karma may have finally caught up with Keith Richards at long last.

Keith Richards.

While vacationing in Fiji he fell out of a palm tree. What? That's it? Well, apparently he was suffering from some headaches after that and it turns out he had a blood clot on his brain. This required him to enter a New Zealand hospital where doctors performed two surgeries that involved drilling holes in his skull and draining fluid. That's called karma. Although publicists for the Rolling Stones are saying that Keith is recovering fine, doctors are reportedly worried that he could have suffered brain damage during the operation. This begs the question: How did Keith Richards not already have brain damage?

News is sketchy and the true nature of his condition has not yet been publicly released. However, it appears that Richards will stay in New Zealand for an undetermined time to continue treatment and observation on an out-patient basis. It is expected the Rolling Stones will commence robbing their fans, I mean touring, in June. God damn you, Keith Richards!

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Posted by exadore to o at 5/11/2006 07:29:00 AM

[o] Writers (still) Wanted

In case you couldn't tell, we need writers. Desperately. The ones we already have are lazy prima donnas who only like to do work once every three months. So send a sample to submissions at bornbackwards dot com with the word reviews in the title and one day you too can be a lazy prima donna. We're looking for both reviewers and news reporters, so if you ever wanted to write for a no-name zine that thinks it's better than it is, now's your chance!

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Posted by exadore to o at 5/09/2006 03:14:00 AM

[o] Violent Video Games Worse Than You Thought

Now we all know that Grand Theft Auto -- with its car chases, hooker beating, hidden sex games, and cop-killing -- is a great game that is destroying the youth of America. Parents the nation over are worried that games like GTA are training their children to be car-stealing, hooker-beating cop-killers. Curiously there's no uproar about the government's America's Army game turning their children into oil-stealing, prisoner-beating, Muslim-killers.

But what parents don't realize is that there is a bigger threat then either of these combined: video-games will make your child a terrorist. I'll let that sink in for a second. If you let your child play their new X-Gamestation DX they will immediately start taping bombs to their chest and plotting the destruction of the infidels. Parents are automatically infidels so be worried, be very worried.

Man, infidels just don't understand ... that they must die.

You're probably wondering why I'm making such bold claims. Well, it appears that terrorists are using video games to recruit young people to their cause. That's called good marketing. So not only are the makers of violent games corrupting our youth -- in the same way that comic books turned every child of the 1950s into a juvenile delinquent, and rock music turned every kid in the '80s into a satanic nymphomaniac -- they are now also guilty of helping the terrorists destroy America.

It seems that some clever programmers from al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations have been modifying our violent games so that turban-clad Islamic heroes battle evil US forces in a deathmatch to end all deathmatches. The games are created with the intent of recruiting young Muslims by showing them how much fun it is to crush the infidel. The modified games are uploaded to terrorist websites where kids as young as seven can download them and simulate killing US troops.

The underlying propaganda message of the games is a gritty tale of revenge and power ripped from today's headlines: that America is waging a crusade against Islam in order to control Middle Eastern oil. Unfortunately, that's sort of true. Muslim children are said to describe the games as 'totally sweet'. Among children's favorite titles were Osama the Hedgehog, Super Muslim Bros., The Jihad of Zelda, Grand Theft Iraq, and Duck Hunt.

The moral of this story for scared, overzealous parents? Don't ever let your kids play Super Mario Bros or they will recruit your dog into their household insurgency movement and attempt to hijack radio-controlled planes with the intent to fly them into your bedroom window.



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Posted by exadore to o at 5/08/2006 11:43:00 AM

[o] Soundtrack to the Apocalypse part 6 and contest

The sixth part of our "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" feature, dealing with the 1980s, has been posted. You can download the songs above. We will also be holding a contest for a 2-to-3-CD mix containing all the songs included in the feature, so if you miss any of the mp3s during any particular week you'll be able to collect them all on these officially unofficial BBW "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" mixes. All you have to do to win them is send an email to contests@bornbackwards.com with the subject "Apocalypse" telling us any apocalyptic songs we might have missed from any of the eras included, with a short description of said song. Note: please do not send us a glut of crappy apocalyptic metal songs from the '80s and '90s, that shit is too easy, too insincere, and quite franky doesn't count. Except maybe Slayer. Good luck.

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Posted by exadore to o at 5/08/2006 07:24:00 AM

[o] And What's A Man To Do But Work Out Whether It's True?

Whoa. That's some heavy stuff down there about that Stephen Colbert fellow. He's such a son-of-a-bitch. I mean, sure it may be true, but he knows as well as I do that that doesn't mean we need to hear it! Where is that man's mind at? A bold move? Perhaps. A silly move? Most certainly. But now I'm sure you're asking yourself, just how could a man follow up such a story so jam-packed with satire and facts and ironic Kid-N-Play references?

Right here: They found King Tut's penis! Yes, the artifact collection of the famed boy-king of Egypt is almost complete. All that stands in the way of completion now are some stolen jewels and Tut's Magic Card collection, which is, on its own, a powerful source of historic knowledge. Seriously, Dude had all the best Blue cards, not to mention the Fallen Empires set, bitches! Rumor has it that reading from King Tut's Magic Cards book is akin to reading from the Book of The Dead from "The Mummy," except instead of wicked mummy armies, it creates hordes of nerds looking for a better place to hold tournaments. The horror!

Missing since 1968, the rediscovery of the royal wang puts to rest a wide range of questions that had bothered the nation since its loss, such as "What could have happened to it?" or "Perhaps someone stole it and sold it?" or "Who would ever buy a mummified penis?" But alas, on a dramatic-scale of 1 to "Oh, That's Lame", the story of the penis' discover is totally lame. It was mummified separately, and was just lying in the dust around the mummy's body the entire 38 years it was presumed missing.


God willing, we'll never lose his to some lame-ass dust.

You can't even tell me that ain't gonna hurt a mummy's self-esteem. After slaving over a hot stove all day long, married to a worthless deadbeat who works all day long but never even says "hello," hearing that your penis isn't big enough to retain any kind of substantial size after 3,000 years of moving, shaking, and tight, tight wrappings has got to fuck you up inside. No man wants to hear his royal dong won't stand the test of time. On the plus side, it's way bigger the world's oldest mummified human, Otzi, whose genetalia has long since collapsed into itself to form, for the most part, a man-void. Kinda like when a black hole forms in space...but your penis.


I bet this kid looooves black holes. And Magic Cards.

Needless to say the finding of the royal cockpiece will forever be remembered as the event that brought the world together. All races, creeds, ideologies, and sexual preferences, standing united in the belief that King Tut's penis can do it. King Tut's penis can defeat Apollo Creed, and it doesn't even need a second movie to get that shit done. King Tut's penis can stop global warming, and it doesn't even need Al Gore. King Tut's penis does care about black people. Sure, it may be rather small, mummified and over 3,000 years old, but does that really mean anything to anybody in this crazy mixed up modern world? Can anybody not imagine mummy-porn being the next big thing to hit the interweb?

Let's see you tear that apart Mr. Colbert. In fact, I challenge any man to question the everlasting power inherent in King Tut's junk.


Officially challenged.

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Posted by Phil to o at 5/04/2006 08:05:00 AM

[o] Stephen Colbert: Real American Hero?

Those of you who still read our humble website know that Comedy Central's The Daily Show constantly rips us off, stealing our jokes, our topics, even our writers, and often doing it all days before our stories are even published. On the other hand, Stephen Colbert's spin-off, The Colbert Report, is a shining work of originality and comedic gold. On his show, Colbert plays a clueless belligerent cross between Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Brit Hume, lampooning the Bush administration and the conservative media with a sly blend of irony, illogic, and doublespeak.

We have no idea why anyone in the White House would think that it would be a good idea to invite him to speak at the White House Press Correspondents dinner. But they did. Gathered together in a room were all the people who together make the news and fake the news: the entire Washington press corps, several celebrities, a few generals and government officials, Joseph Wilson and Valerie Plame, outgoing White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, incoming Press Secretary Tony Snow, and President George W. Bush himself.

Colbert spent his time going around the room insulting each and every one of them. The man showed an awful lot of courage to stand up and speak his mind (even sarcastically) and lampoon and criticize the most powerful people in the world. Even his most sharp-witted jokes only got a small chuckle from an audience that was obviously uncomfortable being satirized and attacked so directly.

At one point, Colbert even flicked off Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, in reference to a gesture Scalia recently made to a reporter. Scalia laughed hysterically, apparently one of the few men in Washington who doesn't mind being poked fun at. On the other hand, the president and First Lady looked angry and as Colbert ended his speech and walked from the podium, George and Laura gave him quick, unsmiling nods, and left. Several Bush supporters and staffers left the dinner in protest before Colbert completed his speech.

"Colbert crossed the line," said one top Bush aide. Another said that the president was visibly angered. "I've been there before, and I can see that he is [angry]," said a former top aide. "He's got that look that he's ready to blow."

Selected topics and punchlines from Colbert's speech:

On Iraq: "I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."

On President Bush: "The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will...

"I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."

On Vice President Dick Cheney: "To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped."

On Bush's low poll numbers: "Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well-known liberal bias... Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie Rocky.

"All right. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied... and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually, he loses in the first movie.

"OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't."

On shakeups in the White House staff: "Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!"

On Fox News: "As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side..."

On the Washington press corps: "But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

"But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!"

On retired generals calling for Rumsfeld's resignation: "See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.

"Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys."

On global warming: "Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is."

We salute you, Stephen Colbert, for being unafraid to speak truth to power and insult the President of the United States to his face. We salute you for having the courage to make an entire room full of Washington's movers and shakers completely uncomfortable and angry. We salute you for using irony and sarcasm to expose the absurdities coming from Washington and Fox, and to reveal that the world in no way resembles the elaborate fantasies many people in America have constructed over the past six years. We salute you for pissing off the one man in the US who could have you kidnapped in the night and shipped out to an Eastern European prison to be tortured and killed without leaving a trace. Needless to say, Colbert will not be invited back to the White House any time soon. And for that we salute him most of all.

A goddamn hero.

Click here for the full video, but I have to warn you that I already picked out all the funny parts. That's sort of what we do.

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Posted by exadore to o at 5/02/2006 04:41:00 AM