If you've been paying attention, you've already read my award-winning essay on Radiohead's Kid A, submitted to David Barker's 33 1/3 "Under 21" essay contest back in June, and just recently posted here on the good ol' BBW. Please, take a seat, enjoy a fine glass of whatever swill you've got nearby, and listen closely to the dulcet sounds of John Mayer actually doing something good for once. His cover of Radiohead's "Kid A" is, embarassingly enough, what persuaded me to not hate Kid A's easily hate-able electronic ass. Which you would know if you had read the feature I assume you already read.

John Mayer - Kid A
Radiohead - Kid A

[o] MythBusers - Global Warming

Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, America's favorite MythBusters (airs Wednesdays at 9 ET/PT on Discovery!), were recently on the scene in Greenland. Their goal: to shoot watermelons through homemade cannons at the atmosphere, proving that global warming caused by a layer of greenhouse gasses is, in fact, a myth. Their experiment fell through when the ice sheet crumbled beneath their feet, plunging the two renegade scientists into freezing water.

Get it? Fell through?

"You know," said Adam Savage upon emerging from the arctic sea, "I really hate that Al Gore motherfucker. After seeing his new movie, I just had to take on this global warming shit, but now... I j-j-just don't kn-know..." The chill set in and his voice trailed off into an indecipherable chatter of teeth.

Just then, Jamie Hyneman climbed back onto the ice gasping for air. Insulted by his walrus mustache and beret, I refused to allow Jamie access to a towel and a blanket, forcing him to sit down and talk to me about global warming.

A myth's worst nightmare.

"We came out here completely expecting to bust this myth through a complex process of special effects, gumption, and ignoring the newsmedia reports that this here glacier was sliding into oblivion. We thought that by shooting a watermelon at an atmosphere supposedly thick with greenhouse gasses, we'd be able to prove that global warming is a myth. We hoped that this experiment would prove unsuccesful so we could step back, brainstorm, and design a robot powered by CFCs to carry out a final experiment and provide an entertaining climax to our ridiculous television show. It seems that Mother Nature had other plans. Now Adam has fucking frostbite and we have no show. No robot equals no show. That's what I always say."

I asked why his crew decided to take on global warming and imply that it was a myth, despite the vast majority of climate scientists having confirmed that it is the biggest environmental threat facing the world today. He frumped out his moustache haughtily and replied, "Fuck those guys. I'll be the judge of what is and what is not an environmental threat. And you know how I'll do it?"

"You just told me. With ridiculous robots and watermelons," I said.

"You're damn right."

Anti-mythbusting activist in action

At this point the interview fell apart and Jamie began demanding a towel. I finally gave it to him after he signed a waiver stating that he wouldn't press charges for using his likeness and making up a bunch of shit about him on the internet.

Stay tuned to next week's episode when the MythBusters attempt to bust the myth of evolution with a weed-wacker engine, a globe, and a package of sea monkeys!

Busted!

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Posted by A. Wilson Conrad to o at 6/25/2006 07:25:00 PM

[o] Dear Iran

Remember when the United States told Iraq that if they gave in to their demands there would be peace? And what happened when Iraq conceeded?

How can we forget?

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Posted by paulito pacifica to o at 6/24/2006 12:54:00 PM

[o] A New Direction for America ... Back to 1993

With the war in Iraq growing increasingly unpopular by the minute, and the president maintaining a poll rating somewhere in the 30% range, the talk of the last few months has rightly been about the possibility that the Democrats could retake control of one--maybe two--of the houses of Congress this November. It would be the first time since 1994. Their electoral strategy the past six years has been to do absolutely nothing, hoping the Republicans would lose due to gross incompetence. And while it is pretty gross--Donald Rumsfeld's breath smells like the rotting corpses of 10,000 dead Iraqis and Karl Rove just reeks of semen for some inexplicable reason--the Democrats have managed to lose every election since 2000, proving their own incompetence to be far grosser--John Kerry likes his pizza garnished with head cheese.

Now that the Democrats have an actual chance to retake Congress, this is the time for bold initiatives and broad plans; for drawing distinctions between the party in power and yourself; for addressing everything that the Republicans have fucked up in the last six years. It would make sense that their strategy for this year would be ... exactly the same as its always been. Yes folks, it would seem that the Democrats plan for victory this year are to do absolutely nothing and hope that evidence is released that proves George Bush strangles puppies in his spare time ... or maybe that he secretly put hidden cameras in every bathroom in America so the NSA could watch you poop (it i’s a matter of national security).

So in an effort to avoid any of the real issues at all, the Democratic leadership have drafted their "New Direction for America"’ platform. Polls show that the top issues concerning voters today are Iraq and immigration, so the Democrats have bravely decided to completely ignore those two and focus instead on student loans, prescription drugs, and the minimum wage. Apparently the Democrats are counting on heavily medicated part-time fast food clerks in debt to help them win in November. Always a valuable constituency.

What the Democrats need is a precise list of specific solutions to the real issues facing America, something akin to the "Contract With America" that allowed Newt Gringrich and his cronies to take over the Congress in the first place. What they have instead sounds less like a "‘New Direction for America" then just a reiteration of the issues facing the country back in 1993, when Clinton took office and we were only losing a war on drugs rather than a war on terror. And while the minimum wage, students, and prescription drugs are all good issues, and long-standing positions for the Democratic party, they're what you take care of when your country is not $90 bazillion in debt, hated by the world, and losing soldiers and moral daily in two different countries. Don'’t get me wrong, as a recent graduate, lowering interest on student loans is near and dear to my heart but it may be just a little more important to keep young college-age Americans from being riddled with bullets in some foreign desert before you start worrying about whether they'’ll be able to repay their loans or not.

I drew this myself.

Back during the 2004 elections, Democrats were mad that John Kerry didn't stake out his position on Iraq more clearly, now they're mad that he is. As if calling for an end to war that 57% of the population thinks was a mistake would alienate voters. Democrats are so internally divided that they can't even seem to all agree on supporting Representative John Murtha, a former war hawk who announced very publicly a very good withdrawal plan that is supported by more and more combat troops every day. It seems the only thing the party can agree on is that "“carpe diem'” actually translates as "“seize the NOTHING!" Your latin teacher was actually wrong all these years. With the Democrats refusing to tackle the real issues facing the country, it's becoming increasingly clear that the real problem in American politics isn't Republican dominance but the complete lack of an opposition party.

In other words, the Democrats are the problem.

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Posted by exadore to o at 6/21/2006 06:02:00 AM

[o] Death of A Saleszine - One Man's Attempt To Explain That It's Still Cool To Be A Sarcastic Asshole On The Internet

Things are getting rough 'round here at the old Bornbackwards office (the internet!), as I am sure any loyal fan could see. As the weeks continue to pass between new reviews, mp3 updates, features, and news updates, you might be starting to believe that the time honored tradition of using harsh and biting quips in opinionated articles that usually include ultra-sarcastic bullshit quotes for the sole purpose of publishing on a webzine and then referencing in everyday life because no one reads your webzine anyway is beginning to go out of style. These days it's all "I want real news!" this and "I saw this on TV already!" that. Well that, my friends, is fucking lame.

Bornbackwards is not appearing more and more dead as of late because being a sarcastic asshole on the internet is going out of style. Because believe me, it is far from out of style. I am sure of this because when I'm a sarcastic asshole in real life, some people still laugh, so with an audience potentially six billion times larger--I try not to talk to more than one person at a time during any given day--there is no chance that not one different (yet similarly sarcastic) asshole will read the site and not laugh. You following? Going to fast for you? Too bad!

Crybaby.

No, Bornbackwards has appeared deathly pale for the last couple months due to a complete lack of time and writers. That, and the fact that lately all the best news stories too easily write their own jokes. Example: George W. Bush tells a man at a press conference to remove his stylish shades when he asks him a question only to find out later that 1) the man is legally blind and 2) sunglasses are particularly useful when you're fucking outside! Goddammit! There's no joke for that! The man is just an ass! I mean, that's Jay Leno terrible-monologue material right there, not the kind of good shit that we at a scathingly opinionated webzine live for!

Since April, only the super-grand-wizard Exadore and I have written any news pieces. Whoops, scratch that, Adam wrote one about intolerance in early April. That was really funny, I forgot about that one. Oh, and Paul had an absolutely beautifully-worded eulogy for politician, Reagan Secretary of Defense, and all-around good guy Caspar Weinberger all written up and ready to publish, but I guess he just couldn't find it in his heart to let go of such deep feelings for all the world to see. Guess he's just a big ol' softy! But besides that, it seems everybody has disappeared, gone off forever to do whatever it is that they needed to do. Where did they all go? When I started writing for BBW, it appeared to be almost at its peak, with posts and reviews coming majorly frequently. And for a while I believed I was helping! Really, I did! "You like me, you really like me!" I thought to myself as I wept in my mirror, clutching my 1984 Best Supporting Actress Oscar. Then suddenly everybody is gone and it's like a ghost town around here (the internet!). Is it me? Do you not like me? What can I do to help you?! All you have to do is ask. We're all friends here, you know that.

Ask not!

So fine, if you don't want to talk to me, I guess you can just post your opinions on the board. Just be sure to read all your responses quick, otherwise your thread will be completely overrun by bots who straight-up love generic levitra. Oh, and viagra. But who doesn't love viagra in this crazy mixed-up time we call THE YEAR TWO-THOUSAND!!! I know I do!

We need writers. You know it. I know it. You know it. So if you still read this site and also know how to write, send a sample review of any album (if it's newer and you get on it'll be published) to submissions@bornbackwards.com. Put the word "reviews" in the title. Or "writer submission". Or any dirty word. Whatever. If you don't want to do a record review, write a news piece, and send it to the same address. If you like to write, this is an A+ excellent way to do so. Oh, and I guess if you're a former writer, you can go ahead and write whatever. I guess that'd be nice. Or whatever.

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Posted by Phil to o at 6/15/2006 06:26:00 PM

[o] Bush Goes Gay-Bashing ... Again.

You may not have realized it, but gay people are time and time again the saviors of the Republican party. Whenever something bad happens--let's say that the president was caught torturing Muslim babies so he could collect and drink their tears, which he believes to be the source of eternal life--Republicans can always turn to homosexuals to offer them a helping hand, or, as it's known in the gay underworld, a 'reacharound.'

Now after leading our country into an unpopular and distasterous war, gutting our economy, tripling the national debt, giving handouts to his buddies like Scrooge McDuck, cutting student loans, spying on American citizens, torturing enemy combatants, Americans are finally--finally!--realizing that, "Hey! Maybe Bush isn't a very good president after all." It would certainly have helped if they had realized this about 2 years ago, but nobody ever said Americans were smart, just atrociously fat. The 2006 Midterm Elections are coming up, and with most commentators now predicting a Democratic takeover of Congress, Republicans are once again turning to their reliable old buddies for help, the flaming homosexuals.

He really didn't need that taxcut.

And the gays are only too happy to help. In a very clear and baldly cynical attempt to distract the country from everything that he has completely fucked up in the last 6 years, the president is once again calling for a consitutional amendement banning gay marriage. And just in time too! This surge of commited, stable relationships in the gay community is really hurting the whole nation. You may recall that the same amendement failed in 2004, another election year. It has still has little to no chance of passing Congress, because really, who wants to be remembered as the guy who voted discrimination into the Constitution?

What's keeping Bush awake at night...

"Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious, and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society," said President Bush, licking his lips. "Government, by recognizing and protecting marriage, serves the interests of all." Except, you know, all those fucking fags that wanna get married. Fuck them.

... what's not.

See, Bush is hoping that by trotting out his gay friends--decked out in their best party dresses!--he'll get his base all hot and bothered. Turning thoughts of "The war is going terrible" to thoughts of "Gay people ... kissing and touching each other ... that's so gay. Yeah, oh yeah." But it doesn't appear to be working this time. It seems Christian voters are catching on to this secret relationship between Republicans and gays.

In an article in Saturday's edition of the LA Times, the president of the conservative Family Policy Network blasted the speeh before the President even delivered it. "I'm going to go and hear what he says, but we already know it is a ruse," Joe Glover said. "We're not buying it... We're going to go and watch the dog-and-pony show, [but] it's too little, too late," Glover added.

For all the good that fags have done for this administration, you'd think they'd get a little better treatment. Instead, the Republicans treat them like whores or trophy gays. I mean Bush doesn't even call gays unless he's got some big problem on his hands, and even then he doesn't ask how their day went, he just asks them to wear and be as gay as possible in front of the Christians. In the gay underworld, a relationship of this nature is known as 'butt buddies--in other words, for all their trouble, gay people are constantly getting fucked in the ass by Republicans.

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Posted by exadore to o at 6/03/2006 08:39:00 AM

[o] Karma and Keith II

Apparently Keith Richards has escaped the supple fingers of his destiny yet again. After falling out of a tree in Fiji and suffering injuries that required brain surgery--and could possibly have led to brain damage--the man is impossibly still alive. The Stones will recommence their neverending tour in the United States in August. From there it will continue until Jesus Christ himself descends from the Heavens to battle the Antichrist at the End of History.

Concert promoter Michael Cohl said: "We are delighted to announce the Stones tour is back on track and thank all the fans and ticket holders for their patience. Now please give us all your fucking money." Because rock and roll is all about seeing 70-year-old men try their best to swivel their arthritic hips in a grim parody of youth. No wonder everybody listens to rap.

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Posted by exadore to o at 6/02/2006 07:26:00 AM

[o] Pachyderms new release and interview

The Bornbackwards-related Pachyderms have just made their Demo-derm publically available for free download. Check it out for hair-raising DIY art-pop about the horrific end of all humanity. This is the psuedo-band's second release, the first being 2005's A Communique From the International Society of Pachyderms EP.

If you'd like to know more about this shadowy collective, they've also just done an interview, their very first, at subindie.com. Subindie is an interesting new site attempting to expose people to new, home-recorded artists in this world of cheap recording technology and mp3 distribution. Check out their archives for your new favorite band.

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Posted by exadore to o at 6/01/2006 11:14:00 AM

[o] The Netherlands Understands The Needs of Those Who Prefer The Company of Young Children.

Life's about to get a lot easier for pedophiles in the Netherlands! I know, I know, good news for everyone today! Dutch pedophiles are getting ready to launch a political party that supports their main concerns ... their main concerns, of course, being the procurement of sweet, sweet boy-flesh. Accordingly, the Charity, Freedom and Diversity (NVD) party of the Netherlands will be campaigning to lower the legal age for entering in sexual relations from 16 to 12. Go ahead, read it again. Twelve years old! Eventually, they want to eliminate the limit altogether. I tell ya, we got it right, here in the good ol' U.S. of A, where if we even think you're thinking about touching a little boy we will go absolutely hysterical and make a media-event out of it. From sea to shining sea.

Fuck yeah!

But that's not all! The NVD supports all kinds of other sensible things, and all with such pure intentions!

• Sex with animals would be legal, but not the abuse of animals. So in other words, you've just got to get them to say "yes." Or "moo" or "neigh" or "cluck." Whatever the case may be.
• The full legalization of all hard and soft drugs. Of course, they expect responsibility and use in moderation. They're smart, too!
  
• The private ownership of child pornography collections would be allowed, but the trade of such films would, oddly enough, be frowned upon.
• Public nudity, all the time. No fat chicks, though.
  
• Pornography would be on television all day long. Thankfully, the violent ones would only come on after dark. So I suppose the NVD suspects that the average Dutch working man secretly really just wants to come home after a long, hard day on the job and be able to say, "Ahhh, my favorite rape porn!"
  

The most obvious thread connecting all of those is, obviously, the boundaries placed on each policy. Boundaries are important in this day and age, and it's just so relieving to see that these pedophiles know their limits. Oh yeah, and child molestation is pretty much completely okay. Yeah, no "but" on that one. Straight up touching children. It'll be totally alright though, since, you know, they only need to be twelve. So that's cool.

And in case you've been thinking, "So why's this such a bad thing? Kids mature fast these days," I've got your answer: the NVD has a final policy so insidious, so evil, and foul-hearted, so unnatural, that it will make your flesh crawl. You guessed it: free train travel! Those heartless sons of bitches! How do these bastard pedophiles expect the Dutch train engineers to make enough money to get married, buy a home, and have a child -- or children! -- that someday will grow up to be twelve years old and therefore legally molest-able? I just don't understand....

Then you'd sure as hell better stay out of the Netherlands.

In a surprisingly sincere response to the 82 percent of Dutch people who want the government to prevent the NVD from registering, one of the party's founders, Ad Van den Berg said, "We [the pedophiles of the Netherlands] want to make pedophilia the subject of discussion...We [still the Dutch pedophiles] want to get into parliament so we have a voice. Other politicians only talk about us [the people of the Netherlands who get off on touching and looking at pre-teen children] in a negative sense, as if we were criminals." Maybe it's because you are? Now I know I usually make my quotes up, but that right there is a 100% real quote. Van den Berg later went on to say that he feels that pedophilia needs to be talked about otherwise it will never be accepted as the genuinely healthy way of life that it if it remains a taboo topic.

Critics of Van den Berg's policies are calling them "sick ideas," and spouting such nonsense as "pedophilia and child pornography should be taboo..." and "their position that children should be allowed sexual contact from age 12 is just in their own interest [rather than in the support of children's rights as they claim]." But Van den Berg presses on in the name of all that's holy...to child molesting bastards. Still, though, that's pretty holy, right?

This boy is about to be introduced to the 'holiest of holies.'

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Posted by Phil to o at 6/01/2006 08:47:00 AM