If you've been paying attention, you've already read my award-winning essay on Radiohead's Kid A, submitted to David Barker's 33 1/3 "Under 21" essay contest back in June, and just recently posted here on the good ol' BBW. Please, take a seat, enjoy a fine glass of whatever swill you've got nearby, and listen closely to the dulcet sounds of John Mayer actually doing something good for once. His cover of Radiohead's "Kid A" is, embarassingly enough, what persuaded me to not hate Kid A's easily hate-able electronic ass. Which you would know if you had read the feature I assume you already read.

John Mayer - Kid A
Radiohead - Kid A

[o] I'm so fucking glad Global Warming is just a liberal myth

Chicago, IL - As I sit here in my Chicago apartment, I have nothing but contempt for those tree-hugging commie-pinko gay marriage-loving liberals who dreamed up that global warming bullshit. I mean, it's completely normal for me to be sitting here in one of the coldest major North American cities and sweating like Michael Jackson in a day care center. Seriously- a month straight of 90-plus degree days is classic Chicago weather...and the fact that last winter was the warmest in the last 100 years, well, I say it's about damn time I can go swimming in Lake Michigan year-round.

I'm doubly sick of all this crap I keep hearing about increasingly severe weather. So what if there were so many tropical storms last year that they had to start naming them after brands of feminine napkins --- Hurricane Kotex brought a heavy flow of much needed rain to our drought-stricken heartland.

Don't keep telling me how convincing that Al Gore movie is, either - it's all just Hollywood computer-trickery. I saw Waterworld 10 years ago, and as convincing as that film was, the ice caps still haven't flooded the Earth's continents and Kevin Costner still hasn't grown fish gills (although I think it would be an excellent career move).

I don't give two shits how much purported "evidence" you show me that "proves" the ice caps are melting, the average global temperature is increasing or storms are more frequent and violent. I don't believe anything I can't see with my own two eyes. And as I sit here watching the unlit candles in my house melt and can smell the bloated corpses of the elderly couple that expired downstairs, I know that this is all just an anomaly. Sometimes the sky rains frogs and sometimes it's 100 degrees for a week straight here in the windy city. I'm sure we'll have seasonal weather again within a few days, and if not I'm sure it's just because all that hot air the liberal media is blowing out.

Now, excuse me while I go extinguish the brushfire that just erupted in my backyard.

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Posted by Hans Gruber to o at 7/31/2006 12:34:00 PM

[o] Can we please just go back to the good old days of the Cold War?

It almost seems quaint now, those bygone times when big, bad Russia was our ever-present yet never-actually-all-that-threatening threat. The fairy-tale era when Matthew Broderick almost confused W.O.P.R. into starting a thermonuclear war; the halcyon days with an arms race that produced cool shit like Firefox. Ahh...it all seems so long ago. Ivan Drago could be defeated by a marble-mouthed Italian and Sean Connery could defect in a Russian sub while sporting a luscious head of hair.

These days there's not a lot of fun to be had with our current crop of unwinnable holy wars: Iraq surprised everyone with an IQ under 13 by turning into an unmitigated disaster; Iran has become the kind of foe who could seriously kick the world's collective ass if we continue to fuck with them over their 'right' to nuclear energy; and Israel has apparently decided that things were simply going too darn well in the Middle East lately, so they figured, "Why not bomb the hell out of Palestinian and Lebanese civilians--and for good measure, threaten Syria and Iran too?"

Exactly what the shit is going on with the Israeli military? Is World War III really that desirable to them? Obviously, I'm no expert on a conflict that has been raging pretty much since the Cretaceous period, and I'm more likely to know Boba Fett's personal backstory than I am the ins-and-outs of the Babylonian Exile--but common fucking sense dictates that Israel has no intention whatsoever of achieving any kind of lasting peace in the region. The story, as I know it, is Israel "accidently" bombed a beach in Gaza killing a bunch of scary, sunbathing families and schoolchildren, then Lebanese Hezbollah apparently kidnapped two Israeli soldiers, thus inciting a retaliatory carpet-bombing of civilian airports, water treatment facilities, power stations, train depots, day care centers and nursing homes.

Boba Fett is a man of peace.

Would someone please tell me how this is a reasonable reaction to the alleged kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers? This isn't an eye-for-an-eye, this is a Military-eye-for-several-hundred-civilian-eyes. Lebanon has actually had the good sense to call for a truce--which has been denied by Israel. Now this all may sound like I'm taking sides here, when in fact I'm merely questioning the logic of escalating a minor incident into all-out war. What with Israeli officials (and their little lapdogs in the White House and on Downing Street) implicating both Syria and Iran as well, it seems that we are very well on the verge of something catastrophic. The constant goading of Iran by both the U.S. and Israel may finally pull them into this lovely war--and with the targets in Iran being nuclear power stations that are being built by several hundred Russian contractors, I'm guessing our old pal Putin will have something to say about it. Let's also not forget that Iran has enormous financial ties with China (another country that has been slowly simmering to a rich and savory MSG-filled boil) through their oil exports to that region. Again, I don't believe our billion-plus Asian friends will be pleased with the economic consequences of an attack on Iran.

All the pieces are in place for our third trip to flavorful World War country. The incendiary match could very well be the abduction of a couple low-ranking soldiers, a small catalyst on par with the assassination of Franz Ferdinand kicking off WWI (a small history lesson to those that think Franz is just an MTV-friendly Glasgow rock act). How pissing off the entire planet could be an attractive option to Israel is quite beyond me.

I say don't you know / You say you don't know / I say... take me out.

I sure miss the days when a KGB official in the form of Arnold Schwarzenegger teamed up with the talentless Belushi brother to make that gawdawful buddy cop movie. At least the only casualty back then were a few brain cells and two hours of lost time.

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Posted by Hans Gruber to o at 7/24/2006 02:31:00 PM

[o] Soundtrack to the Apocalypse finale and contest

The final chapter and the conclusion of our "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" feature, dealing with the 1990s and beyond, has finally been posted. You can download the songs above. We will also be holding a contest for a 2-to-3-CD mix containing all the songs included in the feature, so if you miss any of the mp3s during any particular week you'll be able to collect them all on these officially unofficial BBW "Soundtrack to the Apocalypse" mixes. All you have to do to win them is send an email to contests@bornbackwards.com with the subject "Apocalypse" telling us any apocalyptic songs we might have missed from any of the eras included, with a short description of said song. Note: please do not send us a glut of crappy apocalyptic metal songs from the '80s and '90s, that shit is too easy, too insincere, and quite franky doesn't count. Except maybe Slayer. Good luck.

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Posted by exadore to o at 7/29/2006 08:13:00 AM

[o] To Kill a Taco Stand

America is a nation of immigrants. As a nationality based on ideas rather than ethnicity, immigration is one of the very few consistencies that has remained with us since the Pilgrams first landed on Pocahontas and claimed her for Disney. The only other constant is that Americans absolutely hate immigrants. Give me your tired, your poor? Who needs em! Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free? Took my damn job! I need not remind you of when the Irish menace invaded our fair land a fortnight past, speaking their filthy brogue and introducing such reprehensible customs as red hair and 'traditional' bar fights to a defensless America. Or when those dirty I-talians, with their greasy moustachios, spread their organized crime as though it were a thick and hearty marinera sauce across the delicate crust of our delicious nation.

Make me some pasta and then get the fuck out of my country.

Yes, America is a land of immigrants that hates immigrants, and the latest wave from Latin America is no excepción. Never ones to hate quietly, Americans are striking back at these spicy, hispanic newcomers. Forget all the talk of building a wall along the Mexican border, the good people of Gwinnett County, Georgia are taking a far more practical stand: they are banning taco stands.

Places like Gwinnett had only seen miminal Hispanic immigration until just recently--Latinos (and Latinas!) have jumped from 10 to 15% of the total population of the county in just six years. So officials struck back, banning the $1 taco venders popular amongst Hispanic workers for 'cluttering up street corners.' One Gwinnett politician described the proliferation of rolling taco stands as "gypsy-fication," somehow insulting both Mexicans and Gypsies at the exact same time. "Gypsies, Mexicans, same bullshit. Just speak English when you cut my lawn, motherfucker, or no tacos for you." When asked what was so bad about $1 tacos--a great deal if ever I heard of one--the politican's only response was to call tacos, "cilantro-spiced bullshit."

Swayed by such intellectual arguments, Nashville, Tennessee--the land of tolerance and understanding--is now considering a similar law. Registering his support for the proposed law, a Nashville local said, "If they want themselves some tacos, they can walk they ass down to the Taco Bell like us Americans have to do. Get themselves a Mexi-Melt or Choco-taco or something for desert too. S'pretty good."

First made popular by the ancient Aztecs, who smoked it, the Choco-taco is now eaten by people across North America.

To Mexicans, "tacos are life," says Juan Martinez, a construction worker in Norcross who makes every attempt to conform to Mexican stereotypes whenever possible. I swear I didn't make that quote up, but I totally would have if it didn't already exist. Martinez, a green-card holder from central Mexico, drives an El Camino and prefers to make his own tacos, especially Choco-tacos, but says that mobile taco stands serve many Hispanic workers stuck at construction sites. You know what I mean, esse?

Others across America have taken even more flagrant actions toward immigrants. A Philadelphia sub shop owner, Joseph Vento, has a sign up that reads: "This is America. When Ordering, Speak English." In Ohio, Butler County Sheriff Richard Jones has put up a yellow sign saying "Illegal Aliens Here," with an arrow pointing to the county jail. Meanwhile, Asheville, North Carolina, has considered banning the movie Nacho Libre, starring Jack Black in his unfunniest role yet.

Some towns have even banned the use of Spanish and the practice of sitting on a porch because, "that's what Hispanics do, sit on porches." This, of course, raises an interesting question: who doesn't like to sit on a porch? I know I do, and I am not a Mexican. I was under the impression that sitting on the porch was a part of Southern culture, sipping that sweet tea, whittling wood, and thinking about the days when you didn't know what a taco was.

Mexicans Ahoy!

We have obviously learned nothing from history. Need I remind you of when Native Americans tried to outlaw Pilgrams' scalps? We fucking annilihated them and established a holiday to celebrate it. What do you think the Mexicans will do to us when they're finished trimming our expertly manicured lawns? Just what did you think is in a taco, anyways?

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Posted by exadore to o at 7/19/2006 01:49:00 PM

[o] Not Acting Crazy: A Silly Notion of The Past!

The world has gone insane. I saw it in the newspaper and on CNN and on the Weather Channel and also on FOX News (for a minute), so I am almost sure now that the world has officially lost its collective mind. World wars, accidental microphone usage, vulture-eating, possible nuclear fallout with dictator-loving crazies, the disappearance of Baby Suri Maverick-Trickle-Maguire-Holmes- Cruise -- what a terrible time to be alive! Nobody wins anymore! It's lose-lose for everybody! THIS IS MADNESS! And frankly, I am sick of it. But before I spell out my master plan of action (hint: it doesn't involve genocide!), let me fill you in on some of the most recent worldwide craziness.

There is a Middle Eastern war a-goin' on. No no no no, a different one! Yeah, I know, exciting right! But really, it might be pretty bad. Now, I haven't gotten all of the details just yet, but I'm pretty sure that Israel has fired a couple warning shots towards Lebanon's general area. Nothing too serious just yet. The UN really ought to go and check it out, maybe for just a couple minutes. I mean, they can do that right? Just tell them to stop? Right? Well, okay, maybe that's a little far-fetched, but they'll probably help to take care of a least a few things before it gets too nasty. Of course they will. I mean, they're the UN. Go Kofi!!

Oh...fuck...nevermind.

Okay...awkward...moving on. Everyone's heard about El Capitan's recent usage of "big-boy words" in a private conversation with UK Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 Summit held in St. Petersburg, Russia this past weekend. In fact, that's where you probably learned that there even was a new Middle Eastern conflict that will only add to the US's problems concerning, well, just about every other nation in the world. Bush's suggestion: the UN should "get Syria" and "tell them (Hezbollah) to stop doing this shit." WHOOPS! This is how I imagine George Bush finding out that his microphone was on for the entire conversation, in which he expressed the aforementioned suggestion concerning this new conflict, his opinions on Kofi Annan, and how he's such a busy man and just doesn't have time for all of them longwinded talkers.

BLAIR: Oh my bread and biscuits! That microphone is on!

BUSH: Oh... yeah, whatever.

BLAIR: There we go, now, what were you saying old chum?

BUSH: Hmm? Oh, I don't know, when are we out of here? I got things to do tonight.

BLAIR: In Russia?

BUSH: Oh yeah... right here in Russia.


But of course, while we all have our attention focused on trivial things like Middle Eastern wars and rapidly disappearing international sanity, crazy God-complexed dictators of unreasonably oppressive Asian nations are throwing parties. But not the fun kind where everyone's happy and having a totally sweet time and there are tons of smoking-hot ladies. On the contrary, these North Korean parties are of the test-firing-long-range-missiles- that-could-potentially-reach-the-American-west-coast variety -- by far, the lamest kind of parties imaginable, coming in behind even baby showers in their total fun quotient. Unless you're North Korean. Then I guess it's pretty sweet.

On the plus side, the longest-range missile is still called the Taepodong-2, so it's completely okay if we as a nation just keep ignoring North Korea until it becomes more serious with its life, finds some direction, and gets a real job instead of just playing around with all this "art" bullshit. If you want to be taken seriously don't ever name something phallic, like, let's say, a missile, after an actual penis. In this case, 'dong'. I'm not really worried that Kim Jong-Il's 'dongs can reach across the Pacific, but I should be. Because North Korea is fucking crazy.

Seriously. North Korea is fucking crazy.

But who ever said "fucking crazy!" can't equal "totally cute!"?

And what tops this crazy list of crazy insanity, you may be asking? Oh no, not increasingly powerful weather phenomenon that leave various areas of the world more devastated after each occurrence. And no, certainly not an escalatingly fierce and still rather unfounded war in Iraq, which may soon lead to the first US military draft in nearly forty years if America is forced to become involved in the rest of the world's bullshit problems. Fucking world. No sir, the most crazy of all current insanities is the possible extinction of vultures.

"But I constantly see vultures circling my house, waiting for me to finally die," I can hear you say. Well sir, those are just your ungrateful, greedy children waiting to cash in your lifetime of hard, back-breaking labor. You see, due to various improbable reasons--a type of painkiller being used in cattle in south Asia that destroys vulture kidneys to an unlikely degree, hunting by farmers in east and west Africa, South African and Zimbabwean natives who have begun eating vulture meat to attain powers of clairvoyance--the vulture is quickly going the way of that old cliche of things going the way of the dodo. But the natives don't let these opportunities go to waste. No, quite the opposite. In Mumbai and parts of India, where the dead are left out on sacred towers to be picked clean by vultures, six solar generators were purchased so that they may cremate the bodies by the power of the sun! Now that's fucking thinking!

Some quick vulture funfacts for you:

• The vulture is the inspiration for the Spider-Man villain The Vulture, who flew around New York committing crimes in a harness that he built himself. The Vulture is well known as one of the lamest supervillains around due to his advanced age and arthritic hip. Behind the scenes, every other villain in the Sinister Six made sure to tell him what a douche he was all the time. Except Mysterio. Mysterio sucks.

• I once saw a vulture shoot a man just to watch him die.

• You know in movies how the characters who have been stranded out in the desert for days get really worried when they see those birds flying around in circles overhead? Yeah, those are vultures. But not for long!

SPIDER-MAAAAAAN!! Bring me my pills! Because I am really old!

Craziness sure is fun! Oh, by the way, my big plan to solve all the world's maddening problems? Yeah, it was genocide...so someone really ought to work up a better plan.

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Posted by Phil to o at 7/19/2006 01:41:00 PM

[o] Apocalypse Not Quite What Bush Had Hoped For

Fortified Bunker Somewhere Beneath Crawford, TX: Now just 6 months after the fall of America and a mere 2 weeks into the apocalypse, George W Bush says he is "having second thoughts" about his role in helping bring it on. "As soon as all those Christians vanished and I realized I was one of those that were left behind--you know, like those Kirk Cameron movies--I was pretty pissed off," Bush was quoted as saying.

He then began to place blame on political and religious figures he believes "fucking lied to me." Objects of his anger included the Reverend Pat Robertson who Bush says "was the biggest liar of all. He was the one that talked me into all this religious right shit and that douchebag is sitting down here in this piss-soaked bunker with me," Bush added after snorting a giant line of blow and tossing a half-filled vial to Robertson who giggled at the comment. Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was also in his sights, "That motherfucker wakes from a coma and decides Israel doesn't need us anymore now that our economy is destroyed and our armies crushed. What a fair-weather friend that shithead was. "

“I was led to believe that if I destroyed the American Economy, exhausted its military, alienated its allies, destroyed its educational system, ruined its environment and toppled its government that Israel was gonna make sure me and my friends were taken care of in the New World Order. Turns out Ariel is one duplicitous bitch,” Bush snarled. Laura then patted him on the head for using the word “duplicitous” correctly.

Among the list of things Bush thought "sucked-ass about the end times" were discomforts such as no longer being able to indulge in his favorite activity, trimming scrub-brush, or "ever seeing a new episode of All in the Family.” After being informed by Donald Rumsfeld that All in the Family had been cancelled nearly 35 years ago Bush added "shit, I don’t remember a thing since I went AWOL from the National Guard. I spent 6 weeks in a Laotian whorehouse. I smoked so much opium I still can’t see in color.”

But it isn't all bad, according to Bush "Yeah, we stocked this place up pretty good before the Pestilence hit. I got more Barely Legals than a man could read in a lifetime, and an artificial greenhouse for growing coca leaves so I'll never run out of blow. You know the only bad thing about coke is running out of coke," he joked while taking another enormous snort. "if people knew that whole dumb-ass Biosphere 2 project was basically the government learning how to grow drugs in a post-apocalyptic world, I think they'd be pretty pissed. Or maybe not. Shit, nobody seemed too upset when I nuked Iran and threw World War III into gear."

Bush sat contemplatively and spoke quietly to himself, "I got plenty of entertainment, I guess. All the Girls Gone Wild videos ever made, about 16,000 hours of NASCAR on videotape. Cable sucks, though. Only station still broadcasting is the Food Network...and half their stars are dead. last week’s episode of Iron Chef was pretty weak - they had chef Bobby Flay going head-to-head with a guy who used to assemble Lunchables at a factory in Trenton."

When asked if he had any regrets, Bush countered with “Hell no! I mean, yeah, 2/3 of all humanity is dead, but that’s neither here nor there. I got to see some cool shit--I been waiting 60-some odd years to see France get nuked, and boy, did they get it! Damn country looks like a pile of Kryptonite now ... and it was neat when the oceans turned to blood--danged Gulf of Mexico looked like a giant bowl of tomato soup. I especially enjoyed seeing the Cubs finally win the World Series. Sure, the only other team left was the Seattle Mariners, who were battling a mean case of Leprosy in their bullpen, but it was still a great piece of history--now that history is over.”

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Posted by Hans Gruber to o at 7/16/2006 09:39:00 AM

[o] Bush Delivers Independence Day Message

Crawford TX – President George W. Bush began the July 4th holiday with an impromptu speech from his ranch while engaging in what has become his signature vacation activity – clearing brush. A small cadre of Fox News reporters were treated to the unexpected monologue while filming Bush for an upcoming television special that probes into why the president is not yet on Mt. Rushmore, the dollar bill, and 6’ x 6’ monolithic photos adorning the living space of every American. What follows is the text of the speech:

“My fellow Americans, on this historic day, as we near the five year anniversary of September 11th, we should reflect upon how we first achieved the freedom that the terrorists hate so much. Before 9/11 and the terrorist threat we had a different enemy. Though many of us have forgotten, there was a time when Indians plagued the American landscape, scalping the brave pioneers and farmers, spreading terror with their tomahawks and harpoons and using smoke signals to spread their anti-American message. But the courageous settlers defeated this cowardly enemy by shooting them with colorful fireworks. Yes, on this day in 1492 we defeated this primitive Jihad and achieved our independence, transforming this once godless continent into a place where we are free to celebrate our saviour’s birth and carve a pumpkin to honor His resurrection.

"And at this time I’d like to send a special message to our Armed Forces in Iraq as they fight the terrorist Indians of the Middle East, those perpetrators of 9/11, with their incredibly well-hidden weapons of mass destruction. I’d like to thank them for their efforts, for during my stint defending freedom with the Louisiana National Guard I too knew the fear of facing an unseen foe. In my day, our enemy was the cowardly Indians of the Viet Cong. I’ll never forget the first time I witnessed Chuck Norris rescue those prisoners of war from the jungle terrorists. That was an American hero in action, I’ll tell you what.

"Lastly, as we sit down at our dinner tables and prepare to eat the turkey and stuffing that symbolize our victory over the Indian threat, let us be thankful for our government protectors, the hard working agents of the NSA who tirelessly sift their our e-mails, phone records and bank transactions in search of the enemy who is determined to attack anytime and anywhere. Though agents of Al-Queda will most certainly strike us again with a weapon of unthinkable, cataclysmic horror, we can sleep soundly in the knowledge that through constant domestic surveillance there is at least a 25% chance that the perpetrators will be caught in our lifetimes.

"So if you are a government employee, enjoy your day off, and for everyone else – take comfort in knowing that, while you’re working at Wal-Mart for $5.25 an hour, the money that would have gone towards a frivolous hike in the minimum wage is being put to good use spreading democracy among the Indians of Iraq. Here’s hoping your after-work barbecue is a “Mission Accomplished”, and may God continue to bless America.”

Following his speech Bush regaled his audience with claims that once this brush was cleared he and another man – only identified as “George” – would build a rabbit farm. He then proceeded to stroke one of the female reporter’s hair so roughly that she had to be hospitalized.

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Posted by Hans Gruber to o at 7/10/2006 10:44:00 PM